Among odder things I'm finding myself engaged in, the latest seems
to have been finding myself writing on deep interpersonal relationships. While
I'm hardly qualified academically, and my heart's track record is lousy, still
I've been able to draw what may be good insights and suggestions from
somewhere. So when posed a question or two, I may be able to have some
suggestions.
I'm going to post a few of those here. First off is my interchange
(over the course of a few days) with a newer female acquaintance who seemed to
be on slightly shaky ground in her heart and life. I haven't asked her
permission to post this, and will certainly take it down if requested. Until
then, I'm editing a little, and obscuring some of her personal details (I don't
know much at all about her personal life). Let's call her Randi (this will be a
catch-all name). She asked her questions of a good several people:
Sent: 2007-04-28, 10:52PM EDT
I am just looking for what is a
general belief by men... I know some of your answers will be at extremes...
but, a unscientific poll is enough for my purposes.
a dear male friend wrote this to
me:
I think number one must be the
family when it comes down to marriage problems.. the family must be protected
financially. They need security. Never trust a man to keep his word. Men say
anything to get what they want.
You may not agree but I hope
for your daughters sake you are willing to close your eyes to whatever he is
doing if he is doing it. Some men need to look around as long as they just look
or sample but not leave..
Practical marriage means
ignoring many things as long as there is security. It is a very hard reality
for a wife to accept. He must be discrete if he is fooling around.
My questions:
1. Is sex outside of a marriage,
just an eventual reality that should be accepted?? Or is this just a minority
view this man has?...
2. I realize if I choose to be in
a nonmongamous relationship, I accept sex outside the marriage, but if monogamy
is promised… is it just a lie??? To get what you want??
Thanks for the honesty... I do
know that what is written can also apply to women. The real question is ..does
monogamy exist or is it just a "ploy" for whatever you want?
Thank you!
So I gave this some time and thought while working on other
things, and eventually sent her this:
Subject: RE: Poll
Sure; I'll take a swing at those questions. I may not be an
ideal sample, since by nature – a straight, feminist, and celibate male – I'm a
definite minority.
Question 1: This is that man's view, and may be
his rationalization for cheating on, or wanting to cheat on, his wife. Or,
quite differently, he is a true friend, trying to relieve you of some of your
own pain from your husband (just guessing!!).
Marriage starts with vows, which generally contain a commitment
to spend one's lives together, and focus one's heart exclusively on the other.
Men are so configured by God that they're both weak and hungry sexually.
Fortunately, we men can be satisfied quite quickly... though never for very
long – which is why the marriage had better consist of more than just
state-licensed sex! This is where the bond – nurtured, encouraged, taught,
cherished – must at its heart be the heart. This means love... and love
itself, in some ways, is a healthy selfishness, balanced by trust. And it means
laughter, playing, full/rich/deep enjoyment of the other's company outside
the bedroom. (Robert Heinlein once said something along the lines of "love is what goes on when you're not sexually
aroused".)
It is truly the rare married man who at least doesn't notice,
sometimes even look at, beautiful women. However, if he loves his wife (and
there is thus a mutual flow of trust), he doesn't seek. Fantasy
of another woman is marginally acceptable at best, since in his heart the man
is loving someone other than his wife. But the loving man doesn't take even a
tiptoe down that path.
I think I'm already moving into Question Two: If both
spouses are stepping outside their vows and being intimate with someone else,
and doing so with the other spouse's acceptance, I would expect the marriage to
fly apart or implode pretty quickly, since it would be too easy to find the
non-spouse to be of greater appeal, which leads to resentment in both spouses.
And there are bound, as well, to be inner conflicts between the spouse's
want/need, and the like of the non-marital partner.
Does all this make sense? Either marriage is cheap and pro-forma
and in name only (e.g., for the kids, or reduced-price housing), or it is a
lifetime commitment. If it is a lifetime commitment, then stepping outside the
vows isn't just "cheating" – it's betrayal. Monogamy has
been promised. If the marriage is to be solid and healthy and last a long time
(ideally, for life), then it has to orbit and pivot around the emotions (=love)
and needs (=intimacy) of each spouse for the other exclusively.
Why should a good, healthy, loving spouse even want
"sex outside of the marriage"? A truly loving couple will continue to
learn new things about each other, will experiment respectfully with new
roles/methods/techniques/locations, etc., to keep it fresh and growing. If
things are getting stale, then something is at least slightly wrong inside
at least one of the two spouses. Out of love, the two of them will look at this
gently and patiently, possibly call in outside help (e.g., counselor, Marriage
Encounter, etc.) in extremis to help the two of them get things back on track,
or even on a whole new – though mutual, and exclusive! – track.
I believe that it would be extremely unusual for an
"open" marriage to last very long. A "marriage" of
this sort (i.e., additional partners "on the side", or even
extras brought in to expand the couple/coupling)… that will remain strong and
vibrant, is as common as socks on a snake. Essentially, there's no such animal.
If there is "philandering" going on now, it has to stop, the marital
partners need to reconcile, and start taking care of each other all over again.
Or the partners have to abandon the concept of trust, which means that any love
they have for the other is hollow, likely even a sham.
And functioning on the desire to "get what you want"
is selfish, immature, disrespectful, unloving, and an iceberg tearing through
the structural integrity of a lovely ship that ought to be able to cross the
vast ocean of life, not tear apart and sink to the bottom with all hands.
I hope none of this comes across as harsh... I know it's
terribly wordy, and I'm overdue for my zzz's by at least three or four hours.
Blasted computer is too distracting.
Take care, and I hope at least this gives you a little bit to
think about. Good luck!
AgingChild
She answered me:
Sent: Sunday, April 29,
2007 7:40 AM
Thank you for your answers…
neither myself or my daughter are married, but for her she is
"scheduled" to enter this marital bond in 3 months... and i fear it isn't the best choice now.
I agree with everything you wrote
and appreciate that enough to not "generalize" men in to the category
of what this one male friend of mine wrote... now
where the men are that hold the same ideals that you write about is the
question. At 51, I just about have given up on that being a possibility for me,
but don't want to give up or encourage mu daughter to give up on that being a
possibility for her. thanks for confirming that she shouldn't.
Hope you slept well and know that
at least you restored someone's "faith" that woman are more than a
"vessel for sexual pleasure… on demand" for some men.
I wrote back:
Sent: Sunday, April 29, 2007 1:49 PM
I got married at twenty-one to my pregnant, seventeen-year-old
girlfriend back in 1982, and barely three years later we were divorcing, though
I managed to get custody of our daughter… since I was able to prove to the
court that her mom was the spouse stepping outside our marriage. I've
long-since forgiven her in my heart, and our girl has turned out beautifully –
she got the best possible combination: mom's looks, and dad's mouth… whew!
Your friend really isn't too far off the mark; most of us men are
selfish scum. But we don't have to be; it's not an excuse… and hardly
absolves us of our honest responsibilities to our wife/girlfriend, our
families, and to ourself. Men and women marry as strangers, no matter how long
they've known each other… and it quickly becomes too easy to take the other for
granted. For instance, if I'd been a better husband and father, my wife would
not have been attracted to other men, or at least not chosen to act on those
attractions.
Even "shotgun" marriages, such as I had, can last
through a long lifetime. I think, now, that the way is to never lose sight of
the preciousness of the spouse, and to recognize that even while you love
her/him, you won't always like him/her – that is one of the
shoals that's claimed many a "ship" of marriage.
After a quarter-century (plus) of utterly stupid decisions on my
part, broken hearts in my trail (including my own heart too many times), and
the beauty of a woman's backside seen one last time as she walks away forever…
I think I know now how to make a marriage last for the rest of my life (and not
by forcing my next wife to wring my neck!).
But I'm no longer on the market. I decided almost ten years ago
to begin taking steps toward the priesthood (or monastery/abbey) – then tried
twice more to date, and both times made an utter mess of things. I want now not
to give my heart and my all to one more brave/foolish/trusting woman, but
instead give all I am to all the world. (What a cliché!)
Let me be clear, though: women are no less beautiful and
fascinating to me than they've been since I was, oh, maybe seven years old.
Anyway, be as supportive of your daughter and her wishes – she
is your flesh and blood, and trusts your input. If she's young and pregnant,
the deck's stacked against the two of them – so as her mother, you have to do
all you can to alleviate some of the inevitable strains and demands barreling
down the pike at these kids. Oh, and keep your nose out of it unless
requested – but babysit frequently, bring the two/three of them dinner every so
often, help out with things they need (not $$, but baby clothing, household
goods, occasional groceries), and so on. It needn't be "you and me against the world", from their perspective. Allies and advisors (again, not
unsolicited!) and encouragers are heartily welcome.
And if there's no li'l one on the way for them yet, and they're
hitching themselves to the wagon out of young love… well, much of the above
still applies. If your daughter (and son-in-law to-be) isn't too terribly
agnostic or neo-pagan, have the two of them (or even just her) sit down with
the minister or counselor at the family church. No? Try the yellow pages – a
number of churches offer pastoral counseling.
One of the blessings that graced my life was a Methodist
minister's daughter, whom I dated for most of two years. Early on in our
relationship, we began going to what amounted to non-marital marital counseling
at one of the local Methodist churches. This was deeply enriching and
strengthening, and we very nearly didn't make the sad mistake, at the
end, of relearning old habits of selfishness… we very nearly did make it, and
my life is far richer (as is my Christian/Catholic faith) for the experience of
having shared a portion of her life.
Back to your daughter: If these kids are honestly open to
advice, you can certainly suggest they hold off a while longer – but it's just
as likely that they'd resent this of you, as heed it. You truly may not be able
to do much more than love and encourage both of them (and pray for them) – and
at their age and yours, that's okay. I would advise that you keep your
misgivings mum, Mum… they really need to know that someone they trust believes
in them… so do so. Again, they very well may beat the odds – greater
miracles happen every day.
And re your own life: if I may suggest further (while conceding
like Heinlein that unsolicited, free advice is worth every penny paid): Just be
yourself. Do the things you like: knit, hike, sing, pray, play, go to sporting
events, go boating and fishing and driving and traveling and taking classes.
Have fun! Volunteer at the soup kitchen, at a community cleanup, at a
local school.
Don't go looking for someone else. The best men, I suspect, aren't surfing
the net or scoping the personals – they're too busy having fun the same way I
suggested above. Thus, you put yourself out in front of them in the best
possible way (i.e., not trying), and they get to see the wonderful sight
of your smiling and being happy and enjoying yourself… and they'll want to be
part of that too.
At worst… you'll still be having a wonderful time. I don't need
a woman to live a full and rich life; you don't need a man for the same.
Paradoxically, if he sees how rich and fulfilled your life is… he and his
brothers-in-nature will all be asking you out. And you don't have to say yes,
either. But don't be surprised if you find you've landed on a startled (and
delighted!) man's lap!
Do it for you first. Here, it's not selfishness: it's
taking care of yourself and broadening your very nature, and being, as
Objective One. There will be men in your life, in varying degrees – but there
can only be one you in your own, and you've got to take care of her… so
treat her to a great, 'nother long span of years. You'll have plenty to grin
about proudly on your deathbed – and you're nearly guaranteed that a wonderful,
weeping man will be holding your hand in your final moments.
Bonus: it's a great example to your daughter and her husband.
One more Heinlein paraphrase: live life in big bites!
Regards,
AgingChild
Brother! Where was I when I needed me back in the early eighties?
Shoot, even just in the early to mid-nineties!
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