Saturday, June 28, 2008

Let Us Prey, Part 7b: Still Half-Baked


Okay, okay, folks; I hear you loud and clear: back to John Wojnowski, or prey-er versus pray-er.
Yesterday afternoon, I received a comment on one of the posts I'd put up in a still-unfinished series (under the too-apt title of "Let Us Prey") where I've been responding to some particularly hateful things being said about the Catholic Church.
This comment was strong and harsh enough that I decided not to delete it (i.e., not spam or garbage), but rather respond to it, and post his and my words here as well. WordPress, which kindly (or perhaps foolishly) hosts my Empty Tomb blog, requires all people commenting on a posting to leave their email address and (if possible/applicable) their own website.
So besides first name, I had the fellow's email address (and IP address/WhoIs, etc.), and so could email him directly (and did). The webpage URL he provided was to John Wojnowski's own website, which largely reproduces his vicious diatribe, and goes even further.
Caveat lector: to protect the gentleman's privacy, I've changed his name and email address – this will also protect him from the spammers whose webcrawlers are constantly harvesting these addresses for their own nefarious purposes. And I've slightly redirected the URL in that comment section to take you to a Washington Post article on Wojnowski's campaign. His website is easy enough to find anyway, but I didn't want a link to it on my blog. So sue me, Eric.
No, I take that last sentence back; that was rude and petty. Let me also repeat now what I've taken pains to stress throughout this "Let Us Prey" series: that I have no issue with Wojnowski's claim – totally credible, even if not fully substantiated – of abuse by a priest, and having his personal buck passed somewhere into oblivion by some of the hierarchy. I support him morally and spiritually in his quest for redress, and also don't buy into the cold-hearted claim of "statute of limitations" he claims to have been handed.
My problem is that his objective seems to go far beyond seeking redress, and he appears – by his own words at his site, and on at least one handout – to be trying to pull down the entire Church through cheap shots, warmed-over old rumors, and outright lies, slander, and bitter innuendo.
Yes; failings of trusted members of the hierarchy – whether to heed their own vows of chastity (including against children, and members of their own gender), or to support and empathize with suffering members of their flock – have indeed sullied the Church.
This does not change the fact that the Church was founded by Jesus Christ himself, sustained and spread by his Apostles, and comes down to us today through the direct line of authority and responsibility Jesus first laid on Peter and his fellows.
What it does do is show how far short some of us fall in how we are called to live and share Jesus' message. I'm not talking about John Wojnowski there; I really do mean some of the less-than-exemplary members of Christ's mystical body, the Church.
John – I assume – suffers still from wounds inflicted on him by one of these men some fifty years ago, and for this that (now-deceased) priest, and others, bear the blame, and the shame. I agree with him that – regardless of the time intervening since his molestation – he deserves both a genuine, sincere, contrite apology, and a reasonable settlement.
What he doesn't get from me is an ounce of sympathy, let alone empathy, in his assault on the Church itself, her history, her doctrines, and her mission. That kind of cowardly, spiteful malice is unbecoming of a mature, intelligent man, John, and does your genuine objective a terrible disservice.
Enough; here's the comment that came in:
-----Original Message-----
From: eric [mailto:EricIdol@YouWho.com]
Sent: Friday, June 27, 2008
1:09 PM
To: AGeneChilde@YouWho.com
Subject: [MT2mb] Comment: "Let Us Prey, Part 7: The Half-Baked Scheme"
New comment on your post #416 "Let Us Prey, Part 7: The Half-Baked Scheme"
Author: eric (IP: [yadda-yadda] )
Comment:
You're a spiteful and, indeed, petty apologist with absolutely no defense for the catholic mafia's legacy of brutality.
Yikes! as my dad used to say. I took a while to simmer down, reflected a bit, then began my response:
-----Original Message-----
From: AGeneChilde@YouWho.com
To: EricIdol@YouWho.com
Subject: Half-Baked?
Date: Fri, 27 Jun 2008
16:08:23 -0400
Hmm… those are pretty heavy words, friend Eric. Let's look for a moment at what you've happened on:
What I'm doing in addressing Wojnowski's diatribe is showing how the fellow – suffering as he may be from the old scars of abuse at the hands of a priest (and some unforgivable cold-shouldering by the priest's superiors) – uses no genuine evidence, and employs apparently deliberate misdirection, selective emotion-laden words, and old-old long-disproven charges that a little research (even by a non-Catholic, or an atheist) will readily scuttle. This reveals an extreme, biased attitude of hatred against the Church, and a determination to draw others – strangers, the gullible, the scandal-hungry – into his twisted outlook.
Let's do the same here, you and me. How about you back up your words:
1)  Where have I been spiteful?
2)  Where in my apologetics have I been petty? (You do understand the difference between "apology" and "apologetics", right?)
3)  In what way have I failed in this particular defense of my Church?
4)  What do you mean by "Catholic mafia"? On what solid evidence (hearsay will not be accepted; sorry if you're a fan of Dan Brown) do you use this term?
5)  Cite proven examples of brutality by the Church – brutality by members of the Church (e.g., Pizarro) will not be accepted. Otherwise, that kind of wide tarbrushing would say that all Americans are domestic terrorists, since the American Timothy McVeigh – a Gulf War veteran, by the way (and Catholic-born, for that matter) – murdered some 165 fellow Americans in Oklahoma City, using a truck bomb, in 1995; victims included nineteen children in a day-care center.
6) Sub to question/request 5): Having proven (this should be interesting) brutality by the Church herself, and not by misguided members, show next where that would be an actual legacy. Or are you referring to a legacy of charges? That's not news; that goes back to the First Century, when Catholics were accused of murdering babies (I think).
You see, my friend, anybody can use weighted words and accuse anyone – an individual, family, association, country – of all kinds of things. (E.g., I could state that everyone named "Eric" is a cold-blooded murderer, and offer Eric Harris as a clear example.) But accusations are not evidence, nor proof, except of either misunderstanding, resentment, or an agenda; I'm assuming you simply misunderstand.
What say you?
Kind regards,
A. Gene Childe
No word back yet – and those times (just two, I think; no, three) that a posting of mine received a harsh comment from a truly rare reader, I never heard back again after responding. This is disappointing; if someone feels so strongly about something, s/he really should be able to engage in at least a modicum of debate.
(In fact, I have done that once before here, though I was actually airing a series of emails between me and an ultra-ultra rightist friend of my own friend, Anon E. Mouse. That was engaging – i.e., quite enjoyable and challenging. Intellectual fun.)
This "Eric" person… on further reflection, I believe he's one of John Wojnowski's blinded supporters (as opposed to a rational one)… or possibly John himself. Let's see what happens… but don't hold your breath, everybody.
Followup: Eric responded, removing his mask:
phosphoro6 Jun 30, 2008
I’ve emailed my response to you and look forward to further discussing the issues at hand.
-“Eric”

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Writers' Wednesday: "Leap of Faith" — Act Three


We conclude this episode of "The Simpsons" with a guest-photo of Mr. Smugface himself, recent owner (not property) of Chuckles herself, who sent me the photo just today. Yes, Smugface was her cat (now wandering the wilds of the Southeast US: be on the lookout!). For some unfathomable reason, she named him Ivan (and because he was quite thin, I always called him "Ivan the Terribly Skinny", which didn't bother him), and he really does have a very smug look to him:


(And Chuckles insists he really would wake her up in the morning by smacking her in the face.) I hope Matt Groening's crew of Korean animators get that look right.
The previous parts of this script can be found here:

Next week… you, know, I still haven't decided what's next on Writers' Wednesday. I'll talk it over with Chuckles, and see what she'd like me to put up here out of her tall, swaying pile of TV and movie scripts; stay tuned…
This script is Copyright © 2005 by Christine Roberts, and is registered with the Writers' Guild of America (WGA).
THE SIMPSONS
"LEAP OF FAITH"
Written by Christine Roberts
Created by Matt Groening
Developed by James L. Brooks, Matt Groening, and Sam Simon
Cast (in order of appearance)
HOMER SIMPSON                                      Dan Castellanata
MARGE SIMPSON                                       Julie Kavner
BART SIMPSON                                           Nancy Cartwright
LISA SIMPSON                                             Yeardley Smith
REVEREND TIMOTHY LOVEJOY       Harry Shearer
NELSON MUNTZ                                         Nancy Cartwright
NED FLANDERS                                          Harry Shearer
MR. SMUGFACE
SNOWBALL II
SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER
PASTOR INSAINE                                       Colin Baker
AL CALAVICCI                                              Dean Stockwell
SAM BECKETT                                             Scott Bakula
MOE SZYSLAK                                             Hank Azaria
CARL CARLSON                                          Hank Azaria
LENNY LEONARD                                      Harry Shearer
COMIC BOOK GUY                                     Hank Azaria
REVEREND LOVEJOY'S BRAIN          Harry Shearer
CROWD IN AUDITORIUM
ACT THREE
FADE IN:
EXTERIOR SIMPSONS' HOUSE — NIGHT
The LIGHTS are ON at the house. There is a lot of SHOUTING going on inside the house. Nelson Muntz is walking up the sidewalk.
PASTOR INSAINE (O.S.): …he will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire!
NELSON: Hmm… Baptize with fire? That gives me an idea…
Then Nelson leaves.
REV. LOVEJOY (O.S.): Oh yeah? Try this on for size.
Just then Flanders is walking up the street. He only hears part of it.
REV. LOVEJOY (O.S.): …Satan will be released…
FLANDERS: Oh no… it's happening.
REV. LOVEJOY (O.S.): …and will come out to deceive the nations…
FLANDERS (GASPS): Oh… no. Armageddon!
He quickly runs into his house.
FLANDERS (CONT'D) (WHILE RUNNING): The end is here!
INTERIOR SIMPSONS' HOUSE — CONTINUOUS
MARGE: This is ridiculous!
REV. LOVEJOY: What is?
MARGE: The way you two are going at it.
Then Mr. Smugface walks over to SNOWBALL II and SMACKS him in the face.
BART: Cooool!
HOMER: I've got dibs on Mister Smugface.
LISA: Dad. You're betting against our cat!
HOMER: So?
MARGE: See what I'm talking about?
HOMER:  /  BART:
No…          /   No…
Pastor Insaine's cell phone RINGS. The ringtone is the DR. WHO THEME.
PASTOR INSAINE: Hello? (BEAT): Oh my gosh!
REV. LOVEJOY (SARCASTIC): What's the matter? Your check bounced?
MARGE: Reverend!
Reverend Lovejoy has a disgusted look on his face. He folds his arms.
REV. LOVEJOY (SARCASTIC): Fine.
Snowball II runs across the room, followed by SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER, both chased by Mr. Smugface.
HOMER: Woo-hoo! I'm doubling my bet.
MARGE: What's the matter, Pastor?
REV. LOVEJOY (SARCASTIC): Yes. Do tell.
PASTOR INSAINE: I've got to go. My church is on fire!
REV. LOVEJOY: Your what is where?
Pastor Insaine runs to the door.
PASTOR INSAINE (TO REV. LOVEJOY): This is all your fault!
Then he runs out of the door, stops and turns to the house.
PASTOR INSAINE (CONT'D): Come on, Mister Smugface!
Mr. Smugface stops chasing the Simpsons' pets and runs to the door. Once he is outside, Mr. Smugface STICKS OUT his TONGUE at Snowball II and Santa's Little Helper. Pastor Insaine slams the door. Santa's Little Helper and Snowball II give a SIGH of relief.
HOMER: I don't believe it.
MARGE: I'm glad you feel the same way I do about all of this, Homie.
HOMER: Nah. I was talking about the cat. How did he train him to do that?
EXTERIOR SECOND CHURCH OF SPRINGFIELD — NIGHT
The sign now reads: "NOW YOU DID IT!" The CHURCH is engulfed in FLAMES. Everyone is outside watching the church burn down. Nelson walks by and points to the church.
NELSON: Hah-hah!
PASTOR INSAINE: What?
NELSON: Smell ya later.
Then Nelson leaves.
PASTOR INSAINE: That kid is crazy.
REV. LOVEJOY: And this is from a man whose name is Insaine?
PASTOR INSAINE: You did it!
REV. LOVEJOY: Did what?
PASTOR INSAINE: You put a curse on me with that Bible verse.
REV. LOVEJOY: That's insane, Insaine! I did not! (BEGINS PRAYING): Lord, show this fruitcake that I'm telling the truth. Give me a sign!
Just then the Second Church of Springfield's SIGN is struck by LIGHTNING, and the SIGN FALLS DOWN to the ground. Pastor Insaine gives Reverend Lovejoy a sarcastic look. Then we see Sam and Al behind the crowd watching everything.
AL: Now do you believe me?
SAM: What am I going to do?
AL: Ziggy says you need to have a talk with them.
Sam walks down to the front of the crowd.
SAM: People. Let us be rational about this.
REV. LOVEJOY: And this is from a man who talks to himself?
SAM: Why don't we meet somewhere public and talk about this like mature adults?
EXTERIOR CIVIC AUDITORIUM — ESTABLISHING
The sign reads: "TODAY'S GATHERING FOR LOONIES. COMING SOON: LESS SIGNS TO READ"
INTERIOR CIVIC AUDITORIUM — CONTINUOUS
Everyone is gathered in the place. Sam is on the stage, standing behind a podium, trying to be a moderator. Reverend Lovejoy and Pastor Insaine are sitting in chairs across from each other behind the podium. Pastor Insaine is holding Mr. Smugface.
SAM: Okay, everyone. We are here to settle a dispute between these two ministers.
REV. LOVEJOY: Why do I feel like I'm being auctioned?
CARL: What I want to know, is when do we get refreshments?
LENNY: Yeah. I came over here thinking there's food.
SAM: You'll get some later.
CARL: When?
PASTOR INSAINE: Oh, quit your whining!
Mr. Smugface MEOWS.
PASTOR INSAINE (CONT'D): See. Even Mister Smugface agrees with me.
REV. LOVEJOY: And that's another thing — who's crazy enough to bring their cat with them wherever they go?
SAM: Well, I suppose…?
Homer stands up, raises his hand and interrupts Sam.
HOMER: Oh! Oh! I know! Pick me!
REV. LOVEJOY:   /   PASTOR INSAINE:
Shut up, Homer!   /   Shut up, Homer!
REV. LOVEJOY (CONT'D): I don't believe it. Our first agreement.
PASTOR INSAINE: Yes it is.
HOMER: Huh? But I liked the fighting.
MOE: Yeah. I know what you mean. It was great for my business.
BART: This is ridiculous. I want some action.
LISA: Don't do anything stupid.
BART: Even his sermons were more entertaining.
MARGE: Are you feeling all right?
BART: I've got to get out of here.
Bart leaves the row. Al is standing next to Sam and is smoking a cigar.
SAM (TO AL): See, Al. I did it. I got them together.
AL: I don't know if you're aware of this, but you're not leaping.
Comic Book Guy arrives running on stage and is out of breath.
COMIC BOOK GUY: I'm coming, Al!
AL: Oh, no. Not him again.
SAM: Remember, he asked for you.
AL: Yeah… right.
COMIC BOOK GUY (TO SAM): Where's Al?
Al is standing next to Comic Book Guy and blowing smoke into his face. Sam begins laughing and then tries to stop.
SAM: Um… I'm not sure. Tell me who you are and I'll give him a message.
AL: Oh, good, Sam. Then Ziggy can tell me something about this guy.
PASTOR INSAINE (TO REV. LOVEJOY): You're right. I don't belong here. Your city has too many bizarre things going on here. I need to find a place that fits me perfectly.
REV. LOVEJOY: Let me see. (BEAT): I've got it — Washington D.C.!
PASTOR INSAINE: Hmm… How come I didn't think of it?
REV. LOVEJOY: Maybe you're too close to the subject.
PASTOR INSAINE: What do you think, Mister Smugface?
REV. LOVEJOY'S BRAIN: Now he is concurring with the cat.
Mister Smugface MEOWS.
PASTOR INSAINE (TO MR. SMUGFACE): Are you sure?
Mister Smugface MEOWS again.
PASTOR INSAINE (CONT'D): You're right. We'll do it.
Reverend Lovejoy gives a SIGH of relief.
AL (TO COMIC BOOK GUY) (SARCASTIC): What kind of a name is that?
SAM: I wouldn't even call that a name. Are you sure you're not making that up?
COMIC BOOK GUY: I never make up such things. Especially when it involves someone in authority like Ziggy.
AL (YELLING): How the hell does he know that?
SAM (TO AL): That's what I was thinking. (TO COMIC BOOK GUY): How do you know Ziggy?
AL: This is too weird. I'm getting out of here.
SAM: Al! Don't leave me like this. I haven't leaped yet.
AL: This is getting scary even by my standards!
COMIC BOOK GUY: I was right!
AL: Don't worry, Sam, you won't be here much longer.
Al presses some buttons on the hand link, a door opens, and Al leaves.
SAM: Whew! That makes me feel better.
COMIC BOOK GUY: You're leaving?
SAM: Yeah! (BEAT): Wait a minute. I didn't mean that. Oops. I meant...
COMIC BOOK GUY: Aha! I was right again. (WAVES TO SAM): See you on the Enterprise.
SAM (AS HE PUTS HIS HAND OVER HIS FACE): D'oh!
Sam then DEMATERIALIZES from the stage.
COMIC BOOK GUY: Ah… this has to be the worse episode ever.
He gives a SIGH and then eats a candy bar.
COMIC BOOK GUY (CONT'D): I need something to calm my nerves.
Then he walks past Reverend Lovejoy and Pastor Insaine. Bart arrives on the stage.
BART: So, what did you guys decide?
PASTOR INSAINE: Mister Smugface and I are going to move to Washington D.C. and shake up the country.
REV. LOVEJOY (AS HE SHRUGS HIS SHOULDERS): Ugh… the thought of it. More loony people in our nation's capital.
PASTOR INSAINE: Huh?
REV. LOVEJOY (PUTS HIS HAND OUT): I mean… good luck!
They shake hands.
PASTOR INSAINE: Thanks.
Bart then shrugs his shoulders.
BART (TO PASTOR INSAINE): Maybe you should be in another profession?
REV. LOVEJOY: Yes. Like what?
BART: I don't know. Like maybe a doctor?
PASTOR INSAINE: Doctor? Who?
REV. LOVEJOY: Ah… never mind the boy. (COVERS BART'S MOUTH): He doesn't know what he's talking about.
PASTOR INSAINE: I agree. (TO BART): You need to have a leap of faith.
REV. LOVEJOY: That's right.
Bart is still trying to get away from Reverend Lovejoy.
REV. LOVEJOY (CONT'D): How are you going to get the money for your trip?
PASTOR INSAINE: Oh, didn't I tell you?
REV. LOVEJOY: No.
PASTOR INSAINE: I got over a hundred thousand dollars from the fire.
REV. LOVEJOY: Dear Lord!
He lets go of Bart.
PASTOR INSAINE: That's right. See you in D.C.!
Pastor Insaine LAUGHS as he leaves. Reverend Lovejoy has a worried look on his face.
REV. LOVEJOY (V.O.) (WHILE THE TITLES ARE ROLLING): The following people will be donating large sums of money to the First Church of Springfield: Dan Castellanata. Julie Kavner. Nancy Cartwright. Yeardley Smith… (ETC.)
FADE OUT.
THE END
 

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

There Has Been None Greater


As I sometimes do, I'm repeating a blog from last year, owing to what today represents in the Church Calendar. Though initially somewhat tongue-in-cheek, the meditation does take a deeper look into a humble, yet fiery, man we could do quite well to emulate, yet never hope to equal... let alone surpass.

Want to have a little fun with someone who fancies that they know their Christianity, Christian history, theology, Bible, and so on?
Just ask them who the greatest man in the Bible was.
Jesus?
Wrong.
Really! Jesus was a man, yes, and all man, and human – or he could not have died. But he was also divine, or he could not have risen again. Unique to all of creation and beyond, Jesus has two natures: the divine and the human. This was clarified in the fifth century. I'll spare you the heavy theology on the hypostatic union, the Council of Chalcedon (and the first Nicean Council), monophysitism, arianism, modalism, and other issues – suffice it to say that this was settled over 1,500 years ago. You and I are humans, the dog over there's a dog, a planet's a planet (unless it's Pluto): each has its own, single, defining nature. But Jesus has two.
So, no, Jesus was not the greatest man in the Bible because he wasn't only a man.
Moses? Good try; no. Elijah? Jeremiah? Jonah? Adam??
Heh-heh. Nope.
If you trust the authority of Jesus as a teacher (as he was addressed in his own time; the word in Hebrew is "rabbi", or even "rabboni"; I believe the Aramaic word is the same), you have the answer. Look up Matthew 11:11 – if you're a Protestant, you've got the page marked and the words underlined. If you're a Catholic, just look over that Protestant's shoulder, since you probably aren't sure where to find Matthew.
Right there it is. Jesus says, "Among those born of women, there has been none greater than John the Baptist." As I said in my previous posting, you wanna call him a liar?
Today the Church celebrates the birth of John the Baptist (officially, "The Solemnity of the Nativity of John the Baptist"): half a year before Christmas. What does that have to do with it? Well, this is because Jesus was conceived when Elizabeth, John's mother, was six months pregnant with John.
So for this week (and maybe a bit longer), the header for this blog is a detail from Fra Angelico's fifteenth-century painting, "The Naming of John the Baptist". (Likely when you read this, though, I'll have changed the header image again.)
Anyway, I propounded on Elizabeth's pregnancy (among the usual array of other topics) back on Mothers' Day, so I won't repeat it here. This painting, now, corresponds to the scene that followed after John's birth (you can find in Luke 1:57-80), where Zechariah (Elizabeth's husband) has wised up after nine months of being struck deaf-mute. He'd literally had the fear of God thrust on him by scoffing at an angel's announcement of Elizabeth's unexpected pregnancy, so now quite obediently he does exactly as that angel had commanded, and writes down that his son must be called John.
With his tongue loosened back up and ego refreshingly long-since humbled, he breaks into a sweet, inspired prayer that beautifully parallels Mary's own canticle, the Magnificat. My guess is that he never lived to see his son's ministry as a preacher in the desert, but there can be no doubt that he drew great comfort in knowing there was a clear and beautiful destiny that would unfold for his son… who, in growing up under God's "tender mercy" (I like that phrase), would "guide our feet into the path of peace" as the greatest man ever born.
 

Saturday, June 21, 2008

The Lawyers' Potty


I wasn't planning on blogging this weekend, with a pile of other things very urgently clamoring for my attention... especially some much-overdue one-on-one time with soon-to-go-off-to-university daughter-two Portia tomorrow.
And we had a little health-worry over Mother yesterday, one that saw her in the hospital for a few hours while her vitals were brought back down to less sweat-inducing levels.
Ah, well — the best-laid plans, etc.
Earlier this week, old arch-conservative friend Anon E. Mouse (whom I haven't raked over the coals here lately, given that I've got a much more troublesome target I still haven't finished up with) sent me an email that I thought at first was a joke. No, it wasn't — except of the bitter-laugh sort.
I got just a handful of words into it, then deleted it in annoyance. But unrelated online research put it back in my mind today, and I retrieved her broadside from my Recycle Bin and had at it; following is the email she sent... after I straightened out some lousy built-in formatting: 
-----Original Message-----
From: Mouse, Anon E. [mailto:AEMouse@SOL.com]
Sent: Wednesday, June 18, 2008 9:25 AM
Subject: FW: [Fwd: Fw: FW: The Lawyers Party]
Interesting perspective 
The Democrat Party has become the Lawyers Party. Barrack Obama and Hillary Clinton are lawyers.
Bill Clinton and Michelle Obama are lawyers. John Edwards, the other former Democrat candidate for president, is a lawyer, and so is his wife, Elizabeth. Every Democrat nominee since 1984 went to law school (although Gore did not graduate). Every Democrat vice presidential nominee since 1976, except for Lloyd Bentsen, went to law school. Look at the Democrat Party in Congress: the Majority Leader in each house is a lawyer.
The Republican Party is different. President Bush and Vice President Cheney were not lawyers, but businessmen. The leaders of the Republican Revolution were not lawyers. Newt Gingrich was a history professor; Tom Delay was an exterminator; and, Dick Armey was an economist. House Minority Leader Boehner was a plastic manufacturer, not a lawyer. The former Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist is a heart surgeon. Who was the last Republican president who was a lawyer?
Gerald Ford, who left office 31 years ago and who barely won the Republican nomination as a sitting president, running against Ronald Reagan in 1976.
The Republican Party is made up of real people doing real work.
The Democrat Party is made up of lawyers.
Democrats mock and scorn men who create wealth, like Bush and Cheney, or who heal the sick, like Frist, or who immerse themselves in history, like Gingrich.
The Lawyers Party sees these sorts of people, who provide goods and services that people want, as the enemies of America. And, so we have seen the procession of official enemies, in the eyes of the Lawyers Party, grow.
Against whom do Hillary and Obama rail? Pharmaceutical companies, oil companies, hospitals, manufacturers, fast food restaurant chains, large retail businesses, bankers, and anyone producing anything of value in our nation.
This is the natural consequence of viewing everything through the eyes of lawyers. Lawyers try to solve problems by successfully representing their clients, in this case the American people. Lawyers seek to have new laws passed, they seek to win lawsuits, they press appellate courts to overturn precedent, and lawyers always parse language to favor their side. Confined to the narrow practice of law, that is fine.
But it is an awful way to govern a great nation. When politicians as lawyers begin to view some Americans as clients and other Americans as opposing parties, then the role of the legal system in our life becomes all-consuming. Some Americans become 'adverse parties' of our very government. We are not all litigants in some vast social class-action suit. We are citizens of a republic that promises us a great deal of freedom from laws, from courts, and from lawyers.
Today, we are drowning in laws; we are contorted by judicial decisions; we are driven to distraction by omnipresent lawyers in all parts of our once private lives. America has a place for laws and lawyers, but that place is modest and reasonable, not vast and unchecked. When the most important decision for our next president is whom he will appoint to the Supreme Court, the role of lawyers and the law in America is too big. When lawyers use criminal prosecution as a continuation of politics by other means, as happened in the lynching of Scooter Libby and Tom Delay, then the power of lawyers in America is too great. When House Democrats sue America in order to hamstring our efforts to learn what our enemies are planning to do to us, then the role of litigation in America has become crushing.
We cannot expect the Lawyers Party to provide real change, real reform, or real hope in America.
Most Americans know that a republic in which every major government action must be blessed by nine unelected judges is not what Washington intended in 1789. Most Americans grasp that we cannot fight a war when ACLU lawsuits snap at the heels of our defenders. Most Americans intuit that more lawyers and judges will not restore declining moral values or spark the spirit of enterprise in our economy.
Perhaps Americans will understand that change cannot be brought to our nation by those lawyers who already largely dictate American society and business. Perhaps Americans will see that hope does not come from the mouths of lawyers but from personal dreams nourished by hard work. Perhaps Americans will embrace the truth that more lawyers with more power will only make our problems worse. 
Wait — Michelle Obama's running for office too? That's news to me, but she gets my vote. (And if she's not, why would her profession matter?).
Anyway, I sent the following email back to Ms. Mouse this evening — I'll let you know if she responds, and if so how: 
Oh, please! 
I'll always love and respect you as a special friend, Anon… and every so often I just have to roll my eyes. But keep the entertaining stuff coming anyway, okay? It's great blog-fodder, and sometimes this helps get my blood pressure and pulse elevated to more invigorating levels. 
First, the cheap shot: the author obviously doesn't know how to spell "Democratic", as in "Democratic Party", whose members are Democrats, but whose party isn't a Democrat. Brother. George "Duh!" Bush has this same problem. Maybe in the interest of similarly streamlining names we could sand a couple letters off the term "Repugnicant Party", too — oops; typo there, I'm sure; that should be "Republican Party". Let's be really nice and knock off the first two letters, moving the party up in the alphabet a couple notches in the process. 
So what is a "publican"? Hmm… Biblically they were the tax collectors who traitorously and greedily stole from fellow (Jewish, in this case) citizens on behalf of the power that had a stranglehold over the country. Yeah; that works for me.
(It's possible that some pro-business conservatives haven't heard about record billions in profits for tax-break-favored oil companies these last couple years… making earning an honest wage increasingly difficult for "real people doing real work", as that author refers to them: truck drivers, farmers (have you checked fertilizer prices lately, and do you know how dependent that industry is on petrochemicals?), and so on.)
And in England a "publican" is — I think — someone who owns a pub: "Come in, let me give you something addictive to make you even stupider while you try to forget all the problems that still exist in the outside world. Trust me." That'll work, too. 
Now, on the matter of lawyers: following the clear direction of that raving essay's shallow, partisan author, let's have a bit of a look at lawyers we should indeed be really disparaging and frightened of, and ought to disassociate utterly from, since lawyers obviously aren't "real people doing real work" (and I'll pass that term along to the attorney who won me custody of my daughter, and child support; might amuse him, too)
• Abraham Lincoln: sixteenth President, and member of the Publican party… uh-oh; throw away all your pennies and five-dollar bills;
• Hmm… so was our nineteenth President, Rutherford Hayes, who actually lost the popular vote and won by a single electoral in a heavily disputed election (sounds familiar);
• Our twentieth President, James Garfield —
• — and so was his successor by assassination, our twenty-first President, Chester Arthur;
• Our twenty-third, Benjamin Harrison;
• Our twenty-fifth President, William McKinley —
• — as well as his successor-by-assassination and our twenty-sixth, the vigorous and accomplished war-hero Theodore Roosevelt;
• Our thirtieth, silent Calvin Coolidge;  
Do you see a trend developing here? All these men were Repugnicants, and —excuse me; there I go again. I meant, all of these men were Publicans, and every one of them to a man was a lawyer.
Maybe I should chart this, and see which party's actually put more lawyers into the White House. (We could also look at lawyers thrown out of the White House, like Scooter Libby and Harriet Myers. And how about a particularly famous and successful Publican lawyer who took on and beat a two-term Publican president in legal matters, and forced him out of office: John Sirica?)
And this isn't all of our Publican lawyer-Presidents, either. But then, some might argue that Teddy was too progressive and liberal, and that may well be… maybe that's why I like him? So who was it that inherited the conservative Publican mantle from Rough Rider T. R. when the Publican party spun apart during the 1912 election? Well, well…
• Our twenty-seventh President, the most-definitely conservative William Howard Taft — whose continuing skills as a lawyer after his presidency eventually propelled him into the Supreme Court as the tenth Chief Justice, one of those "nine unelected judges" the author rails about.
Ah, Publicans and conservatives — and typical of the modern conservative, the author of that silly, shallow, partisan, divisive piece relies on folks' knee-jerk reactions… and fails to research and do his homework. (I'm assuming the author's a he; most women aren't that stupid.) Plus he's counting on his jittery-lemming readers to do no differently. Forward to the cliffs!
Sometimes these conservatives are their own worst ambassadors. They make my own work so much easier. With obviously no essential research and scarcely any thought of note given to that conservative's rant on "The Lawyers' Party", his piece calls for a very simple, shallow, and cheap-shotted response. So I'll just have to repeat a classic bumper-sticker that I just may sport this year: "Vote Republican – It's Easier Than Thinking!"
Boy, does that guy evidence the axiom!
Keep 'em coming, Mouse; this can be real fun sometimes!
Regards,
A. Gene Childe
I never did read Mouse's email in full, and don't plan to. But I do believe her author made some kind of grandiose claim about Publicans caring about people, or taking care of people. With Al Gore being a recent recipient (and not forgetting Democratic former president Jimmy Carter), could he please point out to me who is the last prominent Repugnicant to win the Nobel Peace Prize?
I did forget to point out another prominent lawyer in American history (pre- Publican Party, so perhaps he doesn't count): Francis Scott Key, who penned our national anthem.
Hello? Anybody?
 

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Writers' Wednesday: "Leap of Faith" — Act Two


Yours truly has been busy since last week — more online research for an acquaintance down Pennsylvania-way, image-gathering and other research, painting (ceiling, not canvas… unless you count my shirt, which will soon rival anything that Jackson Pollock cranked out), and a few more pages of the fiction-opus mentioned here late last month.
Though I didn't post anything this past week — and it should take only a couple more posts to finish respectfully shredding John Wojnowski — I did tweak the blog and change skins on it… didn't like the look: pardon the pun, but I prefer not to justify my writings. Heh-heh. So I went back to another skin (still really dislike the hyperlink color, which I alter to the standard bright-blue where I can) until something better comes along.
Today I had the special honor of attending the wedding of older brother Sarge and his very special companion and, uh, running-mate, Choggun-Nunim (this changes her name to something like Hyong-Soon Nim, but I need to check with some authorities on Korean); I'll post about that soon — just need to download some 500 photos from Mother's digital camera first (including shots of daughter Portia's graduation a couple weeks ago).
In the meantime, it's Writers' Wednesday again… and, as has been the case lo these many, many Wednesdays, I turn this blog over to family friend and pseudo-adoptive sister Chuckles, to showcase one of her many original scripts for television and film.
Tonight we have Act Two of her "Simpsons" episode "Leap of Faith", a silly exploration of what might happen if the two main characters from the 1990s series "Quantum Leap" had the misfortune to end up in Springfield. (This wouldn't even be close to the first time "The Simpsons" hosted someone else's series. The intrepid agents from "The X-Files" guested on one episode, and Jay Sherman of "The Critic" crossed over there as well.) And a further guest (with his okay) for this current episode would be one of a good several English gentlemen who've played Dr. Who over the years.
Act One can be found here, and next week we'll wrap up this episode. Following that… hmm; on the spike I have (all by Chuckles) at least one more "Simpsons" script, several more for "House", at least one each for "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine" and "The Twilight Zone", and a movie-length "Spider-Man" script. Chuckles has even more that I haven't received (i.e., long-term borrowed) yet — especially some work in particular for an all-new internet SF series that just may get picked up by a network.
Anyway, on with the show…
This script is Copyright © 2005 by Christine Roberts, and is registered with the Writers' Guild of America (WGA).
THE SIMPSONS
"LEAP OF FAITH"
Written by Christine Roberts
Created by Matt Groening
Developed by James L. Brooks, Matt Groening, and Sam Simon
"LEAP OF FAITH"
HOMER SIMPSON                               Dan Castellanata
MARGE SIMPSON                                Julie Kavner
BART SIMPSON                                    Nancy Cartwright
LISA SIMPSON                                      Yeardley Smith
REVEREND TIMOTHY LOVEJOY    Harry Shearer
NED FLANDERS                                   Harry Shearer
TODD FLANDERS                                Nancy Cartwright
ROD FLANDERS                                   Pamela Hayden
AL CALAVICCI                                       Dean Stockwell
SAM BECKETT                                       Scott Bakula
COMIC BOOK GUY                               Hank Azaria
PASTOR INSAINE                                 Colin Baker
CHURCH CONGREGATION
ACT TWO
FADE IN:
EXTERIOR SIMPSONS' HOUSE – DAY
SUPER: TWO WEEKS LATER
INTERIOR SIMPSONS' HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Homer is sitting on the couch when Bart and Lisa enter.
LISA: Can we have some money for church?
HOMER: Sure, honey. How much do you need?
Marge enters from the kitchen.
MARGE: Oh. I am so happy you want to give to the church.
BART: Oh. It's not for that.
MARGE/HOMER: It isn't?
LISA: Nah.
BART: We get fined each time we laugh.
MARGE (ANGRY): What in church is so funny?
LISA: Nothing.
MARGE: Good.
BART: But we drop water balloons from the balcony. That's when we laugh.
MARGE: And then you get fined?
BART/LISA: Right.
HOMER (EAGERLY): Can I go? Huh? Huh?
MARGE: No!
HOMER: How much do you need?
BART/LISA: Five bucks. Each.
EXTERIOR FIRST CHURCH OF SPRINGFIELD – DAY
The sign outside now reads: "WHERE DID MY PEOPLE GO?”
INTERIOR FIRST CHURCH OF SPRINGFIELD – SANCTUARY – CONTINUOUS
Reverend Lovejoy is at the pulpit. All of the pews are empty except for the front one. Ned Flanders is seated with Todd and Rod next to him.
REV. LOVEJOY: For our next announcement…
FLANDERS (INTERRUPTING): But Reverend?
REV. LOVEJOY: Yes… Ned.
FLANDERS: Why are you spending fifteen minutes reading the announcements that apply to everyone when not everyone is here?
REV. LOVEJOY: Probably because every time I try to make an announcement, you interrupt me with the same question.
NED: Okely-dokely.
TODD/ROD: Can we go to the bathroom?
NED: Yes, boys.
REV. LOVEJOY: I wouldn't do that if I were you, Ned.
NED: Why not, Reverend?
REV. LOVEJOY: Nelson set that one on fire.
TODD/ROD (PANICKING): Oh, no.
NED: Don't worry, boys. I'm sure the reverend wouldn't mind if you use the girls' room, just this once.
Reverend Lovejoy clears his throat.
NED (CONT'D): You don't mind, Reverend?
REV. LOVEJOY: No. He got that one also.
TODD/ROD: Noooo!
NED: Don't worry, boys – we can wait till we get home.
TODD/ROD: Aaugh!
Todd and Rod run out of the sanctuary.
NED: Sorry about that, Reverend.
Flanders runs out of the sanctuary.
FLANDERS (CONT'D): Come back here, sons!
Reverend Lovejoy has a disappointed look on his face. Then we see Sam and Al standing near the back.
AL: Go talk to him, Sam.
SAM: But I don't know what to say.
AL: Go up to him.
Sam walks up to Reverend Lovejoy.
REV. LOVEJOY'S POV:
While Sam walks up to the reverend, he looks BLURRY at first.
REV. LOVEJOY: Can I help you?
REV. LOVEJOY'S POV:
Then as Sam gets closer to Lovejoy he becomes clear.
REV. LOVEJOY (CONT'D): Oh. It's you again.
SAM: I'm here to help you.
REV. LOVEJOY: You? Help me? I'm not the one talking to myself.
SAM: I'm still being followed by a guy…
REV. LOVEJOY:         /         SAM (CONT'D):
…who knows your name.  /  …who knows my name.
REV. LOVEJOY (CONT'D): Is this the same one you talk to?
 
AL  /  SAM (CONT'D) (AS THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER):
No.  /  No.
REV. LOVEJOY: Look. I don't have time to help you. As you can see, I have problems of my own.
A tumbleweed blows through the sanctuary as we hear the sound of wind; Lovejoy, Al, and Sam watch it bounce past.
AL: I think he means Pastor Insaine.
SAM: I know he's insane!
REV. LOVEJOY (YELLING): What?
SAM: I don't mean you're insane.
REV. LOVEJOY: Get out!
Reverend Lovejoy moves forward while Sam and Al back up into the hallway.
SAM: I meant Pastor…
REV. LOVEJOY: If I hear that name one more time…
SAM: I meant…
Reverend Lovejoy closes the door on Sam and Al.
AL: Great going, Sam.
SAM: You weren't exactly what I would call helping, either.
AL: Okay. Let's see what Ziggy says.
Al then SLAPS the handlink.
SAM: I don't want to know what Ziggy says.
Comic Book Guy enters the hallway.
COMIC BOOK GUY: Sam, where's Al?
AL: Uh-oh…
SAM: Oh, no… more loonies.
AL: I would love to stay, Sam, but you how it is…
SAM (SARCASTIC): No. I don't know how it is. You and Ziggy can tell me.
AL: Well… it's like this… l…
Comic Book Guy reaches Sam.
COMIC BOOK GUY: Captain Archer!
SAM: Why is he calling me that?
AL (LAUGHING): Maybe you've been promoted.
COMIC BOOK GUY: I mean… Sam, where's Al?
Comic Book Guy looks under the table. Sam and Al watch him.
COMIC BOOK GUY (CONT'D): No. He's not there.
AL: You've got that right.
Comic Book Guy keeps going through drawers, flowerpots, etc., looking for Al.
COMIC BOOK GUY: Al! Where did you go?
AL (LAUGHING): This guy is loonier than I thought.
COMIC BOOK GUY: Al. Come here, Al.
Sam starts LAUGHING.
AL: What is he saying that for? I'm not a dog.
SAM: I'm enjoying it.
AL: Good. Then you can stay here.
SAM: No… Al!
Comic book guy looks at Sam.
COMIC BOOK GUY: Where is he?
AL: Ciao, Sam.
SAM  /  COMIC BOOK GUY:
Al!  /  Al!
Al leaves.
COMIC BOOK GUY (CONT'D): Is he gone?
Sam begins running out of the church. Comic Book Guy tries to run, but gets tired after a couple seconds.
EXTERIOR FIRST CHURCH OF SPRINGFIELD – CONTINUOUS
Homer is standing outside of the church when Sam runs out of the building.
HOMER (TO SAM): Hey!
Sam keeps running. Then Comic Book Guy staggers out and finds out that Sam is gone. Homer watches everything.
COMIC BOOK GUY (YELLING): Captain Archer? Sam! Al? Where did everybody go?
HOMER: I dunno. Maybe they're lost in space somewhere?
COMIC BOOK GUY: Ah, yes – with Will Robinson.
HOMER: Huh? I think you're losing it.
COMIC BOOK GUY: Nah… I was born this way.
HOMER: Well… that explains everything.
The two of them walk off.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXTERIOR SIMPSONS' HOUSE – DAY
SUPER: ONE MONTH LATER
INTERIOR SIMPSONS' HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Homer is sitting on the couch watching television when Bart and Lisa walk over.
BART: Homer. Can I have some money for church?
HOMER: What do you need it for? Are you going to Pastor Insaine's church again?
MARGE (O.S.): I don't want that man's name mentioned in this house!
HOMER: You can tell me.
BART: Yeah. Lisa and I want to do some talking, but it gets expensive to do it anymore.
HOMER: Here's five bucks.
LISA: That's not going to cover the laughing.
HOMER: It worked last time.
BART: We need ten now.
HOMER: D'oh! (TO MARGE): Can I go?
MARGE (O.S.): No! And I don't want the kids going either!
HOMER  /  BART  /  LISA:
D'oh!     /     D'oh!   /   D'oh!
LISA (CONT'D): Why don't you invite Pastor Insaine over for dinner some night?
HOMER: Yeah, Marge.
Marge enters from the kitchen.
MARGE: Well… I guess it wouldn't be polite if I didn't invite him.
HOMER: There you go – you found a reason.
EXTERIOR SECOND CHURCH OF SPRINGFIELD – NIGHT
The sign outside reads: "DID YOU BRING ENOUGH MONEY?”
INTERIOR SECOND CHURCH OF SPRINGFIELD – CONTINUOUS
Pastor Insaine is talking to the CONGREGATION.
PASTOR INSAINE: Follow me and let me show you how it is done.
He moves his head around in CIRCLES. Then the congregation does the SAME THING.
PASTOR INSAINE (CONT'D): Is the room spinning for you, too?
CONGREGATION: Yes!
PASTOR INSAINE: Good. For a minute there I thought I was the only one.
Then he PASSES OUT. The AUDIENCE FALLS to the FLOOR.
HOMER: When can we get up?
MOE: Shush. I don't think we're allowed to talk.
INTERIOR SIMPSONS' HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
There is a KNOCK at the DOOR. Homer walks over to answer it. When he opens the door, Pastor Insaine is standing there holding a leash. Mr. Smugface is with him.
HOMER: Hello, Pastor Insaine. Can I, um… take… your cat for you?
PASTOR INSAINE: No. That won't be necessary. Mister Smugface can walk.
Homer watches as Pastor Insaine enters, walking the cat.
HOMER: I guess he doesn't need any help.
PASTOR INSAINE: Where's the dining room?
HOMER: Oh… it's over this way.
Homer accidentally leaves the DOOR OPEN as he escorts Pastor Insaine into the dining room.
INTERIOR SIMPSONS' HOUSE – DINING ROOM – CONTINUOUS
They enter the dining room and we see the following people seated at the table: Marge, Bart, Lisa, Maggie, and the back of Reverend Lovejoy. Pastor Insaine is SHOCKED.
PASTOR INSAINE (YELLING): What are you doing here?
Reverend Lovejoy turns around and sees Pastor Insaine.
REV. LOVEJOY: I could say the same thing about you.
HOMER: Gentlemen. Let us be friends like the good Lord commanded.
REV. LOVEJOY  /  PASTOR INSAINE:
Oh, shut up!      /      Oh, shut up!
EXTERIOR SIMPSONS' HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
HOMER (O.S., MOANING): I think the end is near.
FADE OUT:
END OF ACT TWO