Writers' Wednesday: "Leap of Faith" — Act One

Good evening, couch potatoes!

This week we kick off the first of three acts of another original script for "The Simpsons" by family-friend Chuckles. She last took us to Springfield back in January, when the hapless Hugh Laurie foolishly agreed to do a walk-on for his friend Dr. Hibbert. He left the set in a straitjacket.

This time around, we have an involuntary visitor to town: Dr. Sam Beckett, a time-traveler trapped in various periods and places in recent history, bounding right outside of his 1990s TV series, "Quantum Leap". Can he possibly fix Springfield?

Sam Beckett is voiced/played by the actor Scott Bakula; Bakula's been here on Writers' Wednesday before, at the helm of the starship Enterprise on one of its more bizarre maiden voyages, long before Kirk and Spock et al.

Complicating matters further in this episode of "The Simpsons" is a very odd preacher — ideally to be voiced/played by Colin Baker, one of several actors who's played the title role of Dr. Who in the British TV series of the same name. Baker's actually a friend of Chuckles; if Fox picks up this episode, then I think Chuckles can nudge him into guesting.

Let's get on with the show; beer, anyone?

This script is Copyright © 2005 by Christine Roberts, and is registered with the Writers’ Guild of America (WGA).

THE SIMPSONS

"Leap of Faith"

Written by Christine Roberts

Created by Matt Groening

Developed by James L. Brooks, Matt Groening, and Sam Simon

Cast

HOMER SIMPSON                               Dan Castellanata

MARGE SIMPSON                                Julia Kavner

BART SIMPSON                                    Nancy Cartwright

LISA SIMPSON                                      Yeardley Smith

MOE SZYSLAK                                       Hank Azaria

SAM BECKETT                                       Scott Bakula

AL CALAVICCI                                       Dean Stockwell

REVEREND TIMOTHY LOVEJOY    Harry Shearer

CHURCH CONGREGATION

CHIEF CLANCY WIGGUM                  Hank Azaria

COMIC BOOK GUY                               Hank Azaria

PASTOR INSAINE                                 Colin Baker

CROWD IN PARKING LOT

MR. SMUGFACE

BARNEY GUMBLE                               Dan Castellanata

CARL CARLSON                                    Hank Azaria

LENNY LEONARD                                Harry Shearer

NELSON MUNTZ                                  Nancy Cartwright

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

INTERIOR MOE'S TAVERN — DAY

Moe is cleaning a glass when SAM MATERIALIZES sitting on a barstool.

MOE: What will you have?

Sam looks around.

SAM: Are you talking to me?

MOE: How many drinks have you had?

SAM (CAUTIOUSLY): None.

MOE: Yeah. Right.

Moe then pushes Sam outside of the bar and onto the sidewalk.

EXTERIOR MOE'S TAVERN — CONTINUOUS

Sam is standing outside, looking confused.

MOE (O.S.): And don't materialize in here until you're sober!

SAM (V.O.): Materialize? How could he know?

Then AL walks right through the closed door and is outside with Sam.

AL: Oh, good. I found you.

MOE (O.S.) (YELLING): Can't you people use the door? For cryminny out loud!

AL: What did you do to him?

SAM: Nothing. Just tell me why I am here so I can get out of this insane place.

AL (LAUGHING): Be glad you're not on a starship.

SAM (YELLING): What?

AL: Nothing. I'm having trouble with this handlink.

SAM: Tell me something I don't know.

AL: Okay. Ziggy says there is an eighty-five percent chance you are here to help Reverend Love… (SLAPS CONTROL): … joy. Lovejoy. What kind of name is that?

SAM (IMPATIENT): Who cares?

AL: Apparently there is some whacko trying to (MAKES VISUAL QUOTATION MARKS) "convert" Springfield.

SAM: Is that Springfield, Illinois, or Springfield, Missouri? Or Massachusetts?

AL: I don't know. Ziggy is having a temper tantrum and won't tell me.

SAM: Who is trying to convert Springfield?

AL: Oh, you are going to love this.

SAM: I'm not so far.

AL: His name is Pastor Insaine, and he has a cat named Mister Smugface.

Sam looks at Al.

EXTERIOR FIRST CHURCH OF SPRINGFIED — DAY

The sign outside reads: "TROUBLE IS A BREWING".

INTERIOR FIRST CHURCH OF SPRINGFIELD — SANCTUARY — CONTINUOUS

REVEREND LOVEJOY is finishing up on a service to a packed congregation.

REV. LOVEJOY: And depart from these ways in the spirit that God intended for you to have. Amen.

CONGREGATION (MUMBLING): Amen.

EXTERIOR FIRST CHURCH OF SPRINGFIED — CONTINUOUS

Reverend Lovejoy is at the doors greeting people as they leave. MARGE walks up with BART and LISA, and carrying MAGGIE.

MARGE: I loved your sermon today, Reverend.

REV. LOVEJOY: Thank you, Marge.

HOMER walks up.

HOMER: Oh, I enjoyed it too.

REV. LOVEJOY: Which part?

HOMER: Um…

REV. LOVEJOY: The part where you were awake, or asleep?

HOMER: Uh-huh. That's it.

Then the Simpson family hurriedly run off to their car, which tears out of the parking lot with a loud squeal of burnt rubber. Lovejoy watches it cross the street to another parking lot, where a CROWD is forming. CHIEF WIGGUM comes up to Lovejoy.

REV. LOVEJOY: Hello, Chief Wiggum.

WIGGUM: I would have kept awake for it, but you know how it is. With police work and all.

REV. LOVEJOY: No. I don't know how it is. Why don't you tell me?

WIGGUM: Well… it is… hard work.

REV. LOVEJOY: That's it?

WIGGUM: Hey! It's tough out there. You don't know what it is like working every Sunday! I should be able to do all my sleeping at home and not have to catch up on it in church!

REV. LOVEJOY: Yes. I guess you're right. I don't know how it is.

Then Wiggum hurriedly runs to his car and drives across the street with the sirens blaring.

REV. LOVEJOY (TO HIMSELF): I feel like I'm losing this whole town.

EXTERIOR FIRST CHURCH OF SPRINGFIED — CONTINUOUS

Sam and Al are outside talking.

SAM: I don't see why I'm needed. The guy has a packed audience for church.

AL: You haven't met Pastor Insaine yet.

Moe and COMIC BOOK GUY see them talking.

MOE: Hey, those two goofy guys were in my bar earlier and wouldn't buy anything.

COMIC BOOK GUY: That's Sam Beckett! But where is Al?

MOE: What do you mean? I see two of them.

COMIC BOOK GUY: I only see Sam.

Comic Book Guy tries to run up to them.

COMIC BOOK GUY (CONT'D) (YELLING AND PANTING): Sam! Where is Al?

SAM: Who is that guy?

Al pounds on the handlink.

AL: I don't know. Nothing is registering. It's like he doesn't exist.

AL'S POV:

He sees Comic Book Guy trying to run up to him.

AL (CONT'D): I think this is time for me to make my exit.

SAM: Al! Don't leave me here! Al!

Sam runs off and Comic Book Guy tries to follow him.

EXTERIOR PARKING LOT ACROSS FROM FIRST CHURCH OF SPRINGFIED — CONTINUOUS

PASTOR INSAINE is standing on a car in the church parking lot and talking to the crowd.

PASTOR INSAINE: Are you bored with church sermons?

CROWD: Yes!

PASTOR INSAINE: Then come to my church tonight for a revolutionary new theme! My cat Mister Smugface will be there too.

The crowd reacts positively.

EXTERIOR FIRST CHURCH OF SPRINGFIED — CONTINUOUS

Reverend Lovejoy looks disappointed.

INTERIOR SIMPSONS HOUSE — KITCHEN

Homer, Marge, Lisa, Maggie, and Bart are having dinner.

MARGE (DOUBTFUL): I don't know about going to a new church.

HOMER: It'll be fun.

MARGE: But his name is Pastor Insaine?

HOMER: I know, but I like him anyway.

EXTERIOR SECOND CHURCH OF SPRINGFIELD — EVENING

This sign reads: "HAVE A NEW BELIEF".

INTERIOR SECOND CHURCH OF SPRINGFIELD — SANCTUARY — CONTINUOUS

Pastor Insaine is talking to a full house. His cat is lying on the floor next to the pulpit. It has a very smug face.

PASTOR INSAINE: I'm going to teach you how not to love your neighbor.

Homer jumps up and raises his arms.

HOMER (SHOUTING): Woo-hoo!

Then he sits down.

PASTOR INSAINE (CONT'D): Let me tell you a story.

HOMER: Borrring!

PASTOR INSAINE: That will cost you five dollars.

MOE (QUIETLY TO HOMER): That can get expensive.

PASTOR INSAINE: And it will cost you ten dollars for whispering.

SUPER: TWO HOURS LATER

Everyone is asleep and snoring. Pastor Insaine stops talking to the group.

PASTOR INSAINE (CONT'D) (TO MR. SMUGFACE): Okay, boy. Now's your chance to make it big. They're all asleep.

Mr. Smugface MEOWS. Then he runs into a row of people and we HEAR them SCREAMING as he jumps on each one of them.

PASTOR INSAINE (CONT'D): Now that I have your attention, we'll continue with our sermon.

MOE (TO HOMER): Hey. That felt kind of good. It even helped my back problem.

PASTOR INSAINE: That's another five dollars for everyone yelling.

EXTERIOR SECOND CHURCH OF SPRINGFIELD — A LITTLE LATER

Everyone is leaving the church and paying Pastor Insaine as they leave. Mr. Smugface is standing next to him. Moe, Homer, and Marge are in line. Moe pays Pastor Insaine.

MOE: Here you go.

PASTOR INSAINE: Thank you.

MOE: Who knew going to church could be so expensive?

PASTOR INSAINE: But think how much money I saved you on doctor's bills with your back problem!

MOE: Yeah. Right. How am I going to get that money back? Hey minister… pastor… I mean, reverend… what is your name again?

PASTOR INSAINE: Insaine.

MARGE: I agree.

MOE: I already know what your problem is. I was referring to your name.

PASTOR INSAINE: Insaine!

MOE: Okay. Stick with it. You'll go far.

Moe begins to leave, stops, and then comes back.

MOE (CONT'D): Do you like to drink?

PASTOR INSAINE: Yes, but I can't drink liquor.

MOE: I know of a bar (CLEARS THROAT) I mean, a family business here in town that serves other drinks besides liquor.

Mr. Smugface MEOWS.

MOE (CONT'D): Um… but no pets are allowed.

Mr. Smugface looks SAD.

PASTOR INSAINE: That won't be a problem. I just can't handle liquor. So I can't have any.

MOE: No problem.

INTERIOR MOE'S TAVERN — NIGHT

Pastor Insaine, Homer, Barney, Carl, and Lenny are at the bar drinking. Pastor Insaine is PLASTERED and drinking from a bottle of Duff beer.

PASTOR INSAINE (SLURRED): What… do you… call… thish shtuff?

MOE: Uh… it's a new cola.

PASTOR INSAINE: Ahh… tastes good. (DRINKS) Almosht like beer.

EXTERIOR FIRST CHURCH OF SPRINGFIELD — DAY

The sign outside now reads: "WHEN DISASTER STRIKES".

INTERIOR FIRST CHURCH OF SPRINGFIELD — LOVEJOY'S OFFICE — CONTINUOUS

Reverend Lovejoy is having a talk with Nelson Muntz.

REV. LOVEJOY: Now do you understand the consequences for your actions?

NELSON: Um…

REV. LOVEJOY: Are you listening to me?

NELSON: Um…

REV. LOVEJOY: Setting the girl's bathroom on fire is not very funny.

NELSON: Pastor Insaine thought it was.

REV. LOVEJOY: When did he say that?

NELSON: Last night.

REV. LOVEJOY: At your house?

NELSON: Naw. I saw him outside of Moe's walking his cat.

REV. LOVEJOY: He walks a cat?

NELSON: Yeah… He has a leash and everything.

REV. LOVEJOY: The man is crazier than I thought.

NELSON: Uh… My mom is calling me. I gotta go.

REV. LOVEJOY (PUTTING HAND TO EAR): I don't hear anything.

Nelson leaves the room before Lovejoy finishes talking. Lovejoy gets up and is hurrying to the door when Sam and Al enter.

REV. LOVEJOY (CONT'D): Can I help you?

AL: Remember, Sam, you can't tell him why you're here.

SAM (to Lovejoy): Yes. I seem to have this weird feeling I'm being followed by a big guy who knows my name.

REV. LOVEJOY: I see.

AL: Remember…

SAM (TO AL): I know.

REV. LOVEJOY: Does this happen when you are, or are not, talking to yourself?

SAM (TO LOVEJOY): What? I'm not talking to myself.

REV. LOVEJOY: Uh… huh. Let me get you the number of a good doctor.

He begins to look around for a piece of paper and then notices that Sam is gone.

REV. LOVEJOY: This place is getting crazier and crazier. Lord help us!

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT ONE