Today we wrap up Chuckles'
original script for "The Simpsons". Acts One and Two can be found
here:
You really should (re)read
them before you read this final act – it's worth it!
Chuckles sent me the script
almost two years ago for my personal amusement, and I thanked her… but (head
hung guiltily here), busy me, I never did read it until I was getting it
ready to put up here, act by act. And even then I've only read each act as I
formatted it for this blog, and haven't skipped ahead.
I admit it: like Homer biting
into a donut that isn't there, I was beginning to squirm
with the uncomfortable feeling that the first two acts… weren't, uh, quite the funniest
things she's ever written. Could this be – ? And she's quite the devotee
of both "The Simpsons" and "House"!
O me of little faith.
Chuckles does not disappoint.. and like a masterful writer, she sets us
up nicely. When last we met, poor Bartholomew J. was about to get sliced open by a suspicious stand-in doctor by
name of "Gregory House". I had to quit twice in mid-formatting this
evening just to get the giggles out and call Chuckster up to let her know this
was good stuff. No answer either time; I forgot that she gets together
with the Reverend Lovejoy every Wednesday after supper.
We'll hear more from Lovejoy
this spring, and the rest of the Simpsons (and more unexpected guests), and Dr.
House himself, as Writers' Wednesday continues. Next week, we leave the
animated world behind, climb aboard the very first starship Enterprise with Captain Jonathan
Archer and crew, and head out for… "Thyatira".
For now, though, have another
donut.
P.S., kids: This
script is Copyright © 2006 by Christine Roberts, and is registered with the
Writers' Guild of America (WGA).
THE SIMPSONS
"Is There a Doctor in
the House?"
Written by Christine
Roberts
Created by Matt Groening
Developed by James L.
Brooks, Matt Groening, and Sam Simon
HOMER: DAN
CASTELLANATA
MARGE: JULIE
KAVNER
BART: NANCY
CARTWRIGHT
LISA: YEARDLEY
SMITH
DR. NICK
RIVIERA: HANK AZARIA
DR. GREGORY
HOUSE: HUGH LAURIE
HOUSE'S
BRAIN: HUGH LAURIE
HUGH LAURIE: HIMSELF
DR. LISA CUDDY: LISA EDELSTEIN
ACT THREE
FADE IN:
INTERIOR SURGERY – DAY
Dr. Nick Riviera and House
are down in the surgery area. They are dressed in surgical gowns, gloves, and
masks. Homer, Marge, Lisa, and Maggie are watching the surgery with the rest of
the spectators in the viewing area above. Bart, on the operating table, is
unconscious. A sheet covers him from the waist down.
DR. NICK: Hi, everybody!
SPECTATORS (EXCITEDLY):
Hi, Doctor Nick!
DR. NICK: I like to
introduce to you the chief of diagnostics at Princeton Plainsboro Teaching
Hospital in Princeton, New Jersey: Doctor Gregory House.
The spectators applaud as
House enters the room, leaning on his cane.
HOUSE: Thank you, thank
you, ladies and germs.
Everyone reacts as if this
is a favorite old joke.
HOUSE (CONT'D): For my
first trick, I would like my assistant to help me.
He then turns to Dr. Nick.
DR. NICK: Hi, everybody!
AUDIENCE (BORED): Hi,
Doctor Nick.
HOUSE: Dr. Nick Riviera
will be doing the appendectomy while I perform the brain surgery.
Holding a large scalpel,
he pulls his surgical mask down and puts his face up to Bart's. Bart then wakes
up.
BART'S POV:
The first thing he sees is
House looking at him from a few inches away. Bart SCREAMS and sits up.
HOUSE: What was that
for?
BART: I'm not used to
seeing an ugly face when I wake up in the mornings.
HOUSE: Why, you little – !
House drops the scalpel
and begins to strangle Bart.
DR. NICK: I don't think we
are allowed to do that, Dr. House.
HOMER (YELLING FROM
VIEWING AREA): Yeah! That's my job!
MARGE: Here we go again.
Lisa has a look on her
face that says she can't take any more of this.
LISA: Maybe that doctor's
right. Maybe I am adopted.
BART: You are busted! No
doctor would remove his mask before surgery.
HOUSE: That's because I
knew you were faking it, boy.
BART: I can prove it,
because I had my appendix out already.
HOUSE: I know.
BART: You do?
HOUSE: Yes. I can see your
scar. (POINTS)
HOUSE'S POV:
We see Bart's stomach,
with surgical scar visible.
BART: Then that means
you're a real doctor.
HOUSE: That's right.
BART (DOUBTFUL): But you
use a cane.
HOUSE: It's an old war
wound.
BART: Really?
HOUSE: No. (BEAT) Haven't
you heard that old saying?
BART: Which one?
HOUSE: Everyone lies.
BART: Oh… that one.
HOUSE: Yes. That one.
BART: Nope.
HOUSE: What?
Bart starts laughing and
then jumps off the table and runs out of the room. He has nothing on. House
chases him, still using his cane.
HOUSE (CONT'D): I'll find
you!
HOMER: I guess this means
the entertainment is over?
DR. NICK: Poor Dr. House.
I think he's been around the Simpson family too long.
INTERIOR HOSPITAL CORRIDOR
– CONTINUOUS
As House enters trying to
find Bart.
HOUSE: Where's that bratty
kid?
INTERIOR SURGERY VIEWING
AREA – CONTINUOUS
MARGE: Now look
what you've done.
HOMER: Me? Bart's the one
running around the hospital naked.
MARGE: Don't try to pin
this on Bart. I'm going try and find Dr. House and invite him over for dinner –
and an apology.
HOMER: I don't want
company for dinner.
MARGE: And you better hope
for your sake that he accepts!
HOMER moans.
INTERIOR HOSPTAL CORRIDOR
– CONTINUOUS
HOUSE: I'm coming after
you, kid.
Then Marge, Homer, Lisa,
and Maggie catch up to House.
LISA (AS SHE POINTS):
There he is.
HOUSE: Oh, God – can't I
get away from these people?
He stops and turns to
them.
HOUSE (CONT'D): Ah, the
Simpsons. My favorite family. How can I help you?
MARGE: Well, we were all
wondering…
HOMER: No we weren't.
Marge then elbows Homer in
the stomach. Homer reacts.
HOUSE'S BRAIN (V.O.): Get
away while you still can.
House doesn't move.
HOUSE'S BRAIN (V.O.)
(CONT'D): You idiot!
MARGE (CONT'D): …if you
would like to come over to our house for a dinner. Kind of an apology for what
Bart and Homer have been putting you through.
HOMER: Me? I haven't done
anything!
HOUSE'S BRAIN (V.O.):
Don't do it! You'll regret it for the rest of your life.
HOUSE: Sure. I'd be
delighted to.
HOUSE'S BRAIN (V.O.):
Okay, that does it! I'm leaving!
CUT TO:
HOUSE'S EYES (EXTREME
CLOSEUP), UNBLINKING
We hear elevator sounds:
a "ding", a door slides open and shut, and the elevator car
rapidly ascends and fades away.
DISSOLVE TO:
INTERIOR SIMPSONS HOUSE –
NIGHT
As Homer, Marge, Bart,
Lisa, Maggie, and House are gathered around the table having dinner.
MARGE: I'm glad you let us
make it up to you, Doctor, by joining us for dinner.
HOUSE: The only way I eat
this well is if I go out.
LISA: You live alone?
HOUSE: Yes. Ah, I see the
medicine I gave you did the trick.
HOMER: Yeah; that stuff
really worked – I was surprised.
Marge smacks Homer.
HOMER (CONT'D): What did I
say? I was just complimenting him!
MARGE: What my husband was
trying to say, Dr. House, is thank you for helping Lisa.
HOMER: Oh yeah. That too.
HOUSE: You're welcome.
Then the doorbell RINGS.
HOMER: Who the hell is
that?
MARGE (SARCASTIC): I don't
know, Homer – why don't you go look?
HOMER: Do I have to?
MARGE: Yes, Homer.
Homer walks over.
INTERIOR SIMPSONS LIVING
ROOM – CONTINUOUS
As Homer opens up the door
we see DR. CUDDY standing just outside.
DR. CUDDY: Hello, I'm
Doctor Lisa Cuddy. Is there a Doctor Gregory House here?
HOMER: Yeah. He's sitting
over there eating our food.
DR. CUDDY: Can you send
him out here?
HOMER (YELLING): Hey,
House! Some girl at the front door wants to see you!
HOUSE (O.S.): It's not one
of those blasted cookie sales again, is it?
HOMER (YELLING LOUDER) No!
This one is good-looking!
HOUSE (O.S.): Even better.
I'll be right there.
He walks over, using his
cane.
HOUSE: Ah, Doctor Cuddy –
what brings you here?
DR. CUDDY: I have a couple
of people who want to meet you.
HOUSE: Nope. No more
clinic duty. I hate those.
DR. CUDDY: These are
friends of mine.
HOUSE: From what planet?
DR. CUDDY: Let me show
you. (TO THE MEN) Okay, boys.
Then two large men in
WHITE OUTFITS come up to House.
HOUSE (WHILE MAKING AS IF
TO RUN AWAY FROM THEM): No!
Then the two men pull a
straitjacket onto him.
DR. CUDDY: Let me guess.
He told you he was a diagnostic specialist from a
"Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital" in Princeton, New Jersey?
HOMER: Yes.
DR. CUDDY: He's been
telling everyone that. I'm surprised he keeps it up.
The two men begin to drag
House away.
HUGH LAURIE: I'm not
Gregory House! I'm an actor! My name is Laurie! Hugh Laurie!
DR. CUDDY: Yeah, yeah –
we've heard that one before, too.
Hugh Laurie is dragged off
screen.
DR. CUDDY (CONT'D): Thanks
for your help, Mr. Simpson.
HOMER: Sure. No problem.
(BEAT) Can I ask you a question?
DR. CUDDY: Sure.
HOMER: If he's not House,
then who is he?
DR. CUDDY: He's a mental
patient from the third floor of our teaching hospital in Princeton. We aren't
sure what his name is. He either pretends to be a British actor named Hugh
Laurie, or an American doctor named Gregory House. I guess it all depends on what
his mood is.
Marge enters.
MARGE: That's sad. He came
so highly recommended by Dr. Hibbert.
DR. CUDDY: I would
recommend you call your Dr. Hibbert right away about this.
Lisa enters.
LISA: But he cured me of
the rhinovirus.
DR. CUDDY: A cold? He
cured you of a cold? There's no cure for a cold, sweetie.
She leaves impatiently.
EXTERIOR SIMPSONS HOUSE -
CONTINUOUS
DR. CUDDY (CONT'D): House,
what did you do to this patient?
HOUSE (O.S.): I'm not
telling!
SIMPSONS: Bye, Dr. House.
They close the door behind
her.
INTERIOR SIMPSONS LIVING
ROOM - CONTINUOUS
LISA: But it is so weird.
If he isn't a doctor, then how come he cured me?
HOMER: I don't know.
MARGE: Maybe it has
something to do with faith?
HOMER: Or something to do
with the fact that you are a Simpson.
LISA: Are those my only
options?
HOMER: Yes.
Lisa thinks about it.
LISA: Then the doctor was
right – I am adopted.
MARGE: Did he tell you
that?
LISA: You have to admit,
it would make perfect sense, since I'm so different compared to everyone else
in the family.
MARGE: Well. What kind of
doctor goes around telling kids things like that?
Bart enters.
BART: A doctor who wants
to make a lot of money off of us.
HOMER: We don't have that
much money. I can even prove it.
Then he pulls his pockets
inside out. They show up empty.
HOMER (CONT'D) (SAD):
(ANNOYED GRUNT)
BART: See, I told you he
wasn't a doctor.
LISA: But he cured me!
Then she begins sneezing.
BART: What did I tell you?
Bart begins laughing as
Lisa chases him.
MARGE: At least everything
is back to normal at the Simpsons' house.
HOUSE (V.O.): The
following people are helping me get back out of the third floor…
He then reads the out
names as the credits are rolling:
HOUSE (V.O., CONT'D): Dan
Castellanata. Julie Kavner... (ETC.)
THE END
No comments:
Post a Comment