Writers' Wednesday: "Is There a Doctor in the House?", Act 1

Hi, everybody!

For our next Writers' Wednesday feature, Chuckles addresses a question all Fox viewers have been dying to know: What do you get when you cross "The Simpsons" with "House"? Well… maybe "dying" wouldn't be the best of words to use – and Dr. House probably doesn't want a malpractice suit any more than you want to buy your attorney another BMW.

So just uncap your Vicodin, stick out your tongue and say "D'oh!", and read on. (P.S.: "V.O." stands for "voiceover".)

Note: This script is Copyright © 2006 by Christine Roberts, and is registered with the Writers' Guild of America (WGA).

THE SIMPSONS

"Is There a Doctor in the House?"

Written by Christine Roberts

Created by Matt Groening

Developed by James L. Brooks, Matt Groening, and Sam Simon

HOMER:                                DAN CASTELLANETA

MARGE:                                JULIE KAVNER

BART:                                    NANCY CARTWRIGHT

LISA:                                      YEARDLEY SMITH

DR. JULIUS HIBBERT:      HARRY SHEARER

DR. NICK RIVIERA:            HANK AZARIA

COMIC BOOK GUY:            HANK AZARIA

HUGH LAURIE:                  HIMSELF

DR. GREGORY HOUSE:     HUGH LAURIE

HOUSE'S BRAIN:                HUGH LAURIE

NURSE:

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

INT. DR. HIBBERT'S OFFICE – DAY

 

DR. HIBBERT is doing surgery on a patient when his NURSE rushes in carrying a piece of paper.

NURSE: Doctor! Doctor!

HIBBERT: How many times have I told you not to interrupt me while I'm performing surgery?

NURSE: But it's important!

HIBBERT: ...unless it's very important.

NURSE: You've won a free trip to Hawaii!

HIBBERT (ECSTATIC): Shoot, I'm outta here!

NURSE: But Doctor – what about the patient?

HIBBERT: Let him finish his own surgery.

NURSE: You need to find a replacement.

HIBBERT: Oh, that's right.

INT. DR. HIBBERT'S OFFICE – NIGHT

Hibbert is talking on the phone to a friend.

HIBBERT (CONT'D) (ON PHONE): You've got to help me out! I've called all my friends who are doctors and no one can come. You're the last one on my Rolodex.

INTERCUT

INT. OF A DOCTOR'S OFFICE – NIGHT

We see just the back of HUGH LAURIE as he sits in the chair talking to Hibbert.

HUGH LAURIE (ON PHONE): I don't know, Julius. Some people have this weird idea about me.

HIBBERT: Oh, don't let that bother you, Hugh. It's either you or that numbskull of a doctor.

He then sees DR. NICK waving to him.

DR. NICK: Hi, everybody!

Dr. Hibbert shudders.

HIBBERT: Besides… (THREATENING) ...You owe me.

HUGH LAURIE (ON PHONE): Well, when you put it that way... I'll do it.

HIBBERT: Thanks a lot. (GIGGLES) I knew I could count on you. (GIGGLES) See you on Monday.

FLASHBACK:

Hibbert is remembering a phone call he had with Dr. Nick.

DR. NICK: Now remember, if you ever need me, just call and I'll be right over.

DISSOLVE BACK TO:

HIBBERT: (SHUDDERS) Eww; I can't even think of that. Oh well. Who cares? (EXCITED) I'm out of here! Hello, Hawaii! (GIGGLES)

Then he dashes off.

CUT TO:

INT. SIMPSON'S HOUSE – MORNING

BART, LISA, HOMER, and MAGGIE are sitting around the table eating breakfast. MARGE rushes in.

MARGE: Kids – you better hurry up, or you'll be late for school.

BART: But Mom, I don't want to go to school.

MARGE: Lisa, you haven't even touched your breakfast.

LISA (SLOWLY): Oh... I didn't. Here, pass it to me... then I'll eat it.

MARGE: You don't even have enough energy to touch it?

BART: I don't believe it.

HOMER: Neither do I. Bart, touch your food!

MARGE: Homer, it's Lisa. Not Bart.

HOMER: Lisa? It can't be her. She's not like that.

MARGE: I know. That's what's strange. (TO LISA) You're going to the doctor's.

LISA: I don't want to go. I'll go to school.

BART (SHRUGS): I can't even think of that. Even I would rather go to the doctor.

LISA: Okay, you go.

MARGE: I'm not going through this again. Bart, you're going to school.

INT. LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Then she pushes Bart out of the front door. Through the window we see Bart getting on the bus.

INT. KITCHEN – CONTINUOUS

Marge is on the phone calling the doctor.

MARGE (CONT'D) (ON PHONE): Hello. Doctor Hibbert's office? Yes; this is Marge Simpson. Yes. I need to make an appointment for Lisa. (BEAT) What? Dr. Hibbert isn't in? Well, I guess we don't have any choice; we'll see the other doctor. (BEAT) Yes. Eight-thirty will be fine. Thank you.

She checks the clock.

MARGE'S POV:

The clock is showing 8:00.

MARGE (CONT'D): Huh?

Then she hurriedly runs around trying to get Lisa ready for the doctor. The clock's hands are moving as fast as Marge is.

INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE – WAITING AREA - LATER

There are a lot of people in the waiting area. Every seat is filled up with a person. They are filling out forms as if they are new patients. Marge is sitting in a chair while Lisa has a chair next to her and is holding Maggie. COMIC BOOK GUY is filling out papers.

COMIC BOOK GUY: Let's see now. "Real name?" Comic Book Guy. "Pseudonym?" Jeff Albertson.

MARGE: I don't know why we have to fill out all these papers when we go to see a doctor.

LISA (HOARSE VOICE): You're right – let's just go home, then.

Lisa tries to get up, and Marge pushes her back down.

MARGE: You're not going anywhere, young lady, until we've figured out what is wrong with you.

NURSE: Lisa Simpson.

MARGE: Yes.

LISA (HOARSE VOICE): You're not me.

MARGE: We're going.

She drags Lisa while carrying Maggie.

INT. EXAM ROOM #1 – CONTINUOUS

The nurse shows them into the room.

NURSE: The doctor will be in in a few minutes.

MARGE (SUPRISED): You're not staying?

LISA: Mom!

The nurse has a confused look on her face as she leaves.

EXT. EXAM ROOM #1 – CONTINUOUS

The nurse closes the door behind her.

NURSE: Parents. Jeez.

Then DR. GREGORY HOUSE arrives, using his cane.

NURSE (CONT'D): I wouldn't go in there if I were you.

HOUSE: Believe me – this is the last place I want to be. I hate clinic duty.

NURSE: You're not the only one.

HOUSE'S BRAIN (V.O.): If they're that bad, you better take a couple of Vicodin before you go in.

He pops a few pills before entering.

INT. EXAM ROOM #1 – CONTINUOUS

Dr. House enters, sees the family.

HOUSE'S BRAIN (V.O.) (CONT'D): Okay. These people appear to be normal.

HOUSE: Hi. I'm Greg House. How are we doing today, little girl?

LISA (HOARSE VOICE): Why do doctors always ask that? If I was feeling fine, I wouldn't be here.

House pops a few more Vicodin.

MARGE: What was that you just took?

HOUSE (THROUGH FULL MOUTH): Vitamins.

MARGE (CHEERFUL): Oh, those are good for you.

HOUSE'S BRAIN (V.O.): Good, she bought it. This family is weirder than you thought.

He takes another Vicodin.

MARGE: Why are you taking more vitamins?

HOUSE: I have a vitamin deficiency.

MARGE: Well, that makes sense.

HOUSE'S BRAIN (V.O.): I can't believe how gullible these people are. This job is going to be a cinch. They believe anything you tell them.

HOUSE: Stick out your tongue and say "ah".

Lisa does it.

HOUSE (CONT'D): Now do this.

He makes a funny face. Lisa copies him.

MARGE: Does that help you figure out what's wrong with her?

HOUSE: No. I just like making the patients do weird things.

Then he writes out a prescription

MARGE: What does she have?

HOUSE: Your daughter has something called a "rhinovirus".

Marge panics.

MARGE (PARANOID): What is that? Is it curable?

LISA (HOARSE VOICE): In other words, I have a cold.

House shoots her a look.

HOUSE: Very good. Maybe you'll become a doctor like me.

LISA (HOARSE VOICE) I kind of doubt it. I would do a better job at differential diagnostics.

He pats her on the head.

HOUSE: You must have been adopted.

MARGE: For some reason people keep saying that.

House fills out some papers.

HOUSE: Probably since your family is crazy.

MARGE: What did you say?

He continues to fill out papers.

HOUSE: I said it's a good thing your family has a baby. (BEAT) I've got to go.

Then he hurriedly exits.

MARGE: He must have a lot of patients.

LISA (HOARSE VOICE): Why do you say that?

MARGE: Because he's in such a hurry.

LISA (HOARSE VOICE): I don't know, I'm kind of suspicious of him.

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT ONE