Writers' Wednesday: "Is There a Doctor in the House?", Act 2

I haven't quite thanked Chuckles yet for her material – which lately is practically keeping this blog off life-support; my new job (halfway through its second week) has been drawing on a lot of my energy and creativity. Not to worry; I'll be kicking in something soon about life as a new office manager / executive assistant. I'm also still (mentally) writing out a long, earnest piece – likely to become a series of pieces – on being a very liberal adult feminist male realizing he's also anti-abortion.

Plus, I've been committed since September to doing a further, serious posting on the silliness, that during World War II Pope Pius XII colluded with the Nazis and/or Fascists, or at least turned his back on the Holocaust.

And I've promised a second weekly feature here, or every other week – probably on Thursdays or Fridays – tentatively titled "Weekend Workshop", where longtime contributor Spartacus lets us into one of his two spotless machine-shops and shows us how he built his very own lapsteel guitar. This I frustratedly have to push back into next month, or even March, while I get these other pieces completed. But if all of you behave yourselves, and don't mess with Spartacus' equipment during our visits to his bunker (I nearly got thrown out of one of his shops myself, about a year and a half back, for having itchy fingers), then we'll follow up the lapsteel with a crossbow or/and longbow, and maybe some other goodies.

For now, though, our weekly Writers’ Wednesday feature continues with Act 2 of Chuckles' "Is There a Doctor in the House?", one of several of her original (and submitted) scripts for “The Simpsons”. So once again, just uncap your Vicodin, stick out your tongue and say “D’oh!”, and read on.

Note: This script is Copyright © 2006 by Christine Roberts, and is registered with the Writers' Guild of America (WGA).

THE SIMPSONS

"Is There a Doctor in the House?"

Written by Christine Roberts

Created by Matt Groening

Developed by James L. Brooks, Matt Groening, and Sam Simon

HOMER:                                DAN CASTELLANETA

MARGE:                                JULIE KAVNER

BART:                                    NANCY CARTWRIGHT

LISA:                                      YEARDLEY SMITH

ARNIE PIE:                           DAN CASTELLANETA

KENT BROCKMAN:            HARRY SHEARER

LENNY:                                 HARRY SHEARER

CARL:                                    HANK AZARIA

MOE:                                      HANK AZARIA

DR. GREGORY HOUSE:     HUGH LAURIE

JOHN WALSH:                    HIMSELF

NURSE:

ACT TWO

FADE IN:

INTERIOR NEWS STUDIO – DAY

KENT BROCKMAN is doing the news. While he is reading the story, we see a picture of Dr. Hibbert in the corner of the screen.

KENT BROCKMAN: This is Kent Brockman with the news. People in Springfield aren't asking where Dr. Julius Hibbert is, because no one cares! There is a new doctor in the house.

Now we see a picture of Greg House on the screen in the corner.

KENT BROCKMAN (CONT'D): Dr. Greg House, that is. People have been ooh-ing and aah-ing about him ever since he and Springfield met. Let's go to Arnie Pie "In the Sky" for a live report.

ON TV:

We see ARNIE PIE flying the traffic helicopter, not realizing that he is "on" live.

ARNIE PIE: Why don't they give me the same pay as you? I do the same amount of hours.

INTERIOR STUDIO – CONTINUOUS

KENT BROCKMAN: Um… Arnie, we're live.

ARNIE PIE: Who cares? I only wish I got… (THEN HE REALIZES) …as much attention as this guy does!

EXT. HOTEL – DAY

We see an AERIAL VIEW of the hotel. Dr. House is being pursued by a group of girls closely following him. He runs toward the left, and the group moves to the left. He runs to the right, and the group moves to the right. He can't move fast because of his cane, so the group keeps pace.

ARNIE PIE: As you can see, they just follow him like a magnet.

CUT TO:

INTERIOR MOE'S TAVERN – DAY

MOE, CARL, LENNY, and Homer are sitting around watching the news on TV.

LENNY: Now, how come I can't get girls to follow me like that?

CARL: That's because you're not cute.

MOE: Cute doesn't have anything to do with it.

HOMER: It doesn't?

MOE: Nope. It is pure luck.

HOMER: Luck, huh? Hmm…

Homer thinks about it.

BACK TO SCENE

We see a close up of House as he tries to unlock the door of his hotel room.

HOUSE: Will you weirdoes get away from me? Or do I have to start caning?

Then he manages to get the door open and dashes inside. He slams it shut and locks it, and the girls start banging on it.

INTERIOR HOTEL ROOM – CONTINUOUS

HOUSE (CONT'D): I've got to find a way to get out of this place before I go mad.

Then he gets an idea.

HOUSE (CONT'D): Where's my game?

He grabs a handheld video game, puts on the headphones, and begins playing it.

HOUSE (CONT'D): Ah… now this is more like it.

The group of girls is still banging on the outside of the door, but he doesn't hear any more of it.

BACK TO STUDIO

KENT BROCKMAN: I can only hope he had a new weapon to combat this terrible ordeal he is going through.

INTERIOR SIMPSONS HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

Marge, Bart and Lisa are watching the TV.

BART: And this is the guy you went to?

MARGE: It's not like we had a choice. Dr. Hibbert was out.

LISA: He cured me of the common cold.

BART: That's ridiculous. No one can cure the common cold. Right, Mom?

MARGE: Apparently House can.

Bart then shudders.

BART: Uhh…hh…hh…

ON TV

Kent Brockman is reading the news; the picture of Dr. Hibbert is still in the corner.

KENT BROCKMAN: Will there be anyone who will miss Dr. Hibbert? Apparently not.

INTERIOR SIMPSONS HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

As the TV goes black.

MARGE: Bart! What did you do that for?

BART (HOLDING TELEVISION REMOTE): I'm getting tired of hearing how "great" House is.

LISA: I don't see a problem.

MARGE: You should be glad we have a doctor like House.

Bart shudders again.

BART: I can't take it!

Then he runs out of the room.

LISA: Maybe he needs to see the doctor?

MARGE: Maybe.

INTERIOR BART'S ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Bart enters.

BART: I've got to find out the truth about this guy. Nobody can be that good. Then everyone will believe me. This guy must be some kind of a con artist. I need to expose him.

Bart starts writing up a plan.

BART'S FANTASY:

Bart envisions JOHN WALSH doing a segment of "America's Most Wanted".

JOHN WALSH: Tonight's story takes us to Springfield USA, where a ten-year-old boy was smart enough to call us here at "America's Most Wanted" and give us a tip about what this evil man has been doing.

Now we see John interviewing Bart.

JOHN WALSH (CONT'D): What tipped you off about this "Doctor" House?

BART: What got me going, John, was the way he could supposedly cure people of almost anything.

JOHN WALSH: Anything? Are you sure?

BART: Yep. Even colds.

JOHN WALSH: Oh my gosh! This is serious.

BART: I know. That is why I called.

Then we hear Bart snickering offscreen.

BART (CONT'D): What was that?

BACK TO SCENE

Now we see Bart sitting at his desk snickering.

BART (CONT'D): Screw this plan; I'm calling.

Then he runs out to a nearby pay phone.

INTERIOR SIMPSONS HOUSE – LATER

Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa, and Maggie are gathered around the dinner table.

MARGE: All I've been hearing are good reports about this Doctor House.

HOMER: Me too. Moe was saying that this House guy can put him out of business.

LISA: How's that? Does he have a cure for alcoholism?

MARGE: Yeah… that's right.

HOMER (SCARED): I hope not!

BART: I called America's Most Wanted.

LISA: You can't do that.

BART: Why not?

MARGE: When they say America's "most wanted", they are talking about fugitives. Not most-wanted professions, like doctors.

HOMER (CONFUSED): They are?

MARGE (TO HOMER): Yes, Dear. (TO BART) Now stop calling them!

BART: But he's a crook!

LISA: How do you know?

BART: He's a con artist.

Lisa begins laughing.

LISA: You're jealous!

BART: I am not.

LISA: Are too.

BART (V.O.): I've got to find a way to expose him.

INTERIOR WAITING ROOM – DAY

We see several people in the waiting room, different patients from last time. Every chair is taken again. Now we see Bart, disguised with a thick black mustache.

NURSE: Mr. Smith. You're next.

INTERIOR HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

Bart follows the nurse into an exam room.

NURSE (CONT'D): The doctor will be in soon.

She closes the door and House shows up, leaning on his cane.

HOUSE: Do I need Vicodin for this one?

NURSE: Oh, definitely. I would.

He hands her a few pills, then takes some himself before going in.

INTERIOR EXAM ROOM – CONTINUOUS

As House enters carrying a folder and using his cane.

BART (SURPRISED): You're House?

House picks up on it.

HOUSE: Yes, I'm Greg House. What seems to be your problem, little boy?

BART: I'm not a little… (CHANGES HIS VOICE TO SOUND LIKE AN ADULT) I'm John Smith.

HOUSE: Okay. Whatever you say, Mister Smith.

Then he pops some more Vicodin.

BART (V.O.): This will be easier than I thought.

BART (IN ADULT VOICE): I have some pain over here. (THEN HE POINT TO HIS SIDE) Right here.

HOUSE: Does it hurt when I do this? (THEN HE TOUCHES THE SAME PLACE) Right here?

BART (IN ADULT VOICE): Yes.

HOUSE: How about when I do this? (THEN HE TOUCHES ANOTHER SPOT) Like this?

BART (IN ADULT VOICE): Yes. (TRYING TO KEEP UP) Yes.

House now touches the other side of his body.

HOUSE: What about when I touch here?

BART (IN ADULT VOICE): Yes.

HOUSE: Oh, my God.

BART (IN ADULT VOICE): What is it?

HOUSE: It's spreading!

BART: What? (NOT REALIZING HIS VOICE IS BACK TO NORMAL): What's wrong with me?

House smiles as he looks at Bart.

HOUSE: I'll tell you what's wrong. (BEAT) You're faking it!

BART: I am? (IN ADULT VOICE) I mean, I am?

HOUSE: Yes, and you're doing a horrible job.

BART: I am not!

HOUSE: Are too. You can't even keep your voice straight. It keeps switching.

BART: That's what happens to you when you get older… (IN ADULT VOICE) …your voice changes.

HOUSE: If there is one thing you can't do, it's con Greg House.

Then he turns away from Bart.

BART: Fine.

Then he gets off of the table and heads for the exit, and collapses.

BART (CONT'D): Oww!

HOUSE: I'm not buying it.

BART: But it hurts!

HOUSE: I told you, I'm not buying it.

He turns around and sees Bart on the floor.

HOUSE: Excuse me.

Then he steps over Bart and heads for the door.

BART: I'm in pain!

HOUSE: Where is it now?

BART: On my right side.

HOUSE: Let me check.

Then he looks Bart over.

HOUSE (CONT'D): Okay. I'm scheduling you for surgery.

BART: What?

HOUSE: It could be your appendix.

BART: Huh?

HOUSE: Unless you're faking this one?

BART: Ugh… no.

HOUSE: Then you're having surgery ASAP.

Then he exits.

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT TWO