Writers' Wednesday: "Leap of Faith" — Act Two

Yours truly has been busy since last week — more online research for an acquaintance down Pennsylvania-way, image-gathering and other research, painting (ceiling, not canvas… unless you count my shirt, which will soon rival anything that Jackson Pollock cranked out), and a few more pages of the fiction-opus mentioned here late last month.

Though I didn't post anything this past week — and it should take only a couple more posts to finish respectfully shredding John Wojnowski — I did tweak the blog and change skins on it… didn't like the look: pardon the pun, but I prefer not to justify my writings. Heh-heh. So I went back to another skin (still really dislike the hyperlink color, which I alter to the standard bright-blue where I can) until something better comes along.

Today I had the special honor of attending the wedding of older brother Sarge and his very special companion and, uh, running-mate, Choggun-Nunim (this changes her name to something like Hyong-Soon Nim, but I need to check with some authorities on Korean); I'll post about that soon — just need to download some 500 photos from Mother's digital camera first (including shots of daughter Portia's graduation a couple weeks ago).

In the meantime, it's Writers' Wednesday again… and, as has been the case lo these many, many Wednesdays, I turn this blog over to family friend and pseudo-adoptive sister Chuckles, to showcase one of her many original scripts for television and film.

Tonight we have Act Two of her "Simpsons" episode "Leap of Faith", a silly exploration of what might happen if the two main characters from the 1990s series "Quantum Leap" had the misfortune to end up in Springfield. (This wouldn't even be close to the first time "The Simpsons" hosted someone else's series. The intrepid agents from "The X-Files" guested on one episode, and Jay Sherman of "The Critic" crossed over there as well.) And a further guest (with his okay) for this current episode would be one of a good several English gentlemen who've played Dr. Who over the years.

Act One can be found here, and next week we'll wrap up this episode. Following that… hmm; on the spike I have (all by Chuckles) at least one more "Simpsons" script, several more for "House", at least one each for "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine" and "The Twilight Zone", and a movie-length "Spider-Man" script. Chuckles has even more that I haven't received (i.e., long-term borrowed) yet — especially some work in particular for an all-new internet SF series that just may get picked up by a network.

Anyway, on with the show…

This script is Copyright © 2005 by Christine Roberts, and is registered with the Writers' Guild of America (WGA).

THE SIMPSONS

"LEAP OF FAITH"

Written by Christine Roberts

Created by Matt Groening

Developed by James L. Brooks, Matt Groening, and Sam Simon

"LEAP OF FAITH"

HOMER SIMPSON                               Dan Castellanata

MARGE SIMPSON                                Julie Kavner

BART SIMPSON                                    Nancy Cartwright

LISA SIMPSON                                      Yeardley Smith

REVEREND TIMOTHY LOVEJOY    Harry Shearer

NED FLANDERS                                   Harry Shearer

TODD FLANDERS                                Nancy Cartwright

ROD FLANDERS                                   Pamela Hayden

AL CALAVICCI                                       Dean Stockwell

SAM BECKETT                                       Scott Bakula

COMIC BOOK GUY                               Hank Azaria

PASTOR INSAINE                                 Colin Baker

CHURCH CONGREGATION

ACT TWO

FADE IN:

EXTERIOR SIMPSONS' HOUSE – DAY

SUPER: TWO WEEKS LATER

INTERIOR SIMPSONS' HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Homer is sitting on the couch when Bart and Lisa enter.

LISA: Can we have some money for church?

HOMER: Sure, honey. How much do you need?

Marge enters from the kitchen.

MARGE: Oh. I am so happy you want to give to the church.

BART: Oh. It's not for that.

MARGE/HOMER: It isn't?

LISA: Nah.

BART: We get fined each time we laugh.

MARGE (ANGRY): What in church is so funny?

LISA: Nothing.

MARGE: Good.

BART: But we drop water balloons from the balcony. That's when we laugh.

MARGE: And then you get fined?

BART/LISA: Right.

HOMER (EAGERLY): Can I go? Huh? Huh?

MARGE: No!

HOMER: How much do you need?

BART/LISA: Five bucks. Each.

EXTERIOR FIRST CHURCH OF SPRINGFIELD – DAY

The sign outside now reads: "WHERE DID MY PEOPLE GO?”

INTERIOR FIRST CHURCH OF SPRINGFIELD – SANCTUARY – CONTINUOUS

Reverend Lovejoy is at the pulpit. All of the pews are empty except for the front one. Ned Flanders is seated with Todd and Rod next to him.

REV. LOVEJOY: For our next announcement…

FLANDERS (INTERRUPTING): But Reverend?

REV. LOVEJOY: Yes… Ned.

FLANDERS: Why are you spending fifteen minutes reading the announcements that apply to everyone when not everyone is here?

REV. LOVEJOY: Probably because every time I try to make an announcement, you interrupt me with the same question.

NED: Okely-dokely.

TODD/ROD: Can we go to the bathroom?

NED: Yes, boys.

REV. LOVEJOY: I wouldn't do that if I were you, Ned.

NED: Why not, Reverend?

REV. LOVEJOY: Nelson set that one on fire.

TODD/ROD (PANICKING): Oh, no.

NED: Don't worry, boys. I'm sure the reverend wouldn't mind if you use the girls' room, just this once.

Reverend Lovejoy clears his throat.

NED (CONT'D): You don't mind, Reverend?

REV. LOVEJOY: No. He got that one also.

TODD/ROD: Noooo!

NED: Don't worry, boys – we can wait till we get home.

TODD/ROD: Aaugh!

Todd and Rod run out of the sanctuary.

NED: Sorry about that, Reverend.

Flanders runs out of the sanctuary.

FLANDERS (CONT'D): Come back here, sons!

Reverend Lovejoy has a disappointed look on his face. Then we see Sam and Al standing near the back.

AL: Go talk to him, Sam.

SAM: But I don't know what to say.

AL: Go up to him.

Sam walks up to Reverend Lovejoy.

REV. LOVEJOY'S POV:

While Sam walks up to the reverend, he looks BLURRY at first.

REV. LOVEJOY: Can I help you?

REV. LOVEJOY'S POV:

Then as Sam gets closer to Lovejoy he becomes clear.

REV. LOVEJOY (CONT'D): Oh. It's you again.

SAM: I'm here to help you.

REV. LOVEJOY: You? Help me? I'm not the one talking to myself.

SAM: I'm still being followed by a guy…

REV. LOVEJOY:         /         SAM (CONT'D):

…who knows your name.  /  …who knows my name.

REV. LOVEJOY (CONT'D): Is this the same one you talk to?

 

AL  /  SAM (CONT'D) (AS THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER):

No.  /  No.

REV. LOVEJOY: Look. I don't have time to help you. As you can see, I have problems of my own.

A tumbleweed blows through the sanctuary as we hear the sound of wind; Lovejoy, Al, and Sam watch it bounce past.

AL: I think he means Pastor Insaine.

SAM: I know he's insane!

REV. LOVEJOY (YELLING): What?

SAM: I don't mean you're insane.

REV. LOVEJOY: Get out!

Reverend Lovejoy moves forward while Sam and Al back up into the hallway.

SAM: I meant Pastor…

REV. LOVEJOY: If I hear that name one more time…

SAM: I meant…

Reverend Lovejoy closes the door on Sam and Al.

AL: Great going, Sam.

SAM: You weren't exactly what I would call helping, either.

AL: Okay. Let's see what Ziggy says.

Al then SLAPS the handlink.

SAM: I don't want to know what Ziggy says.

Comic Book Guy enters the hallway.

COMIC BOOK GUY: Sam, where's Al?

AL: Uh-oh…

SAM: Oh, no… more loonies.

AL: I would love to stay, Sam, but you how it is…

SAM (SARCASTIC): No. I don't know how it is. You and Ziggy can tell me.

AL: Well… it's like this… l…

Comic Book Guy reaches Sam.

COMIC BOOK GUY: Captain Archer!

SAM: Why is he calling me that?

AL (LAUGHING): Maybe you've been promoted.

COMIC BOOK GUY: I mean… Sam, where's Al?

Comic Book Guy looks under the table. Sam and Al watch him.

COMIC BOOK GUY (CONT'D): No. He's not there.

AL: You've got that right.

Comic Book Guy keeps going through drawers, flowerpots, etc., looking for Al.

COMIC BOOK GUY: Al! Where did you go?

AL (LAUGHING): This guy is loonier than I thought.

COMIC BOOK GUY: Al. Come here, Al.

Sam starts LAUGHING.

AL: What is he saying that for? I'm not a dog.

SAM: I'm enjoying it.

AL: Good. Then you can stay here.

SAM: No… Al!

Comic book guy looks at Sam.

COMIC BOOK GUY: Where is he?

AL: Ciao, Sam.

SAM  /  COMIC BOOK GUY:

Al!  /  Al!

Al leaves.

COMIC BOOK GUY (CONT'D): Is he gone?

Sam begins running out of the church. Comic Book Guy tries to run, but gets tired after a couple seconds.

EXTERIOR FIRST CHURCH OF SPRINGFIELD – CONTINUOUS

Homer is standing outside of the church when Sam runs out of the building.

HOMER (TO SAM): Hey!

Sam keeps running. Then Comic Book Guy staggers out and finds out that Sam is gone. Homer watches everything.

COMIC BOOK GUY (YELLING): Captain Archer? Sam! Al? Where did everybody go?

HOMER: I dunno. Maybe they're lost in space somewhere?

COMIC BOOK GUY: Ah, yes – with Will Robinson.

HOMER: Huh? I think you're losing it.

COMIC BOOK GUY: Nah… I was born this way.

HOMER: Well… that explains everything.

The two of them walk off.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXTERIOR SIMPSONS' HOUSE – DAY

SUPER: ONE MONTH LATER

INTERIOR SIMPSONS' HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Homer is sitting on the couch watching television when Bart and Lisa walk over.

BART: Homer. Can I have some money for church?

HOMER: What do you need it for? Are you going to Pastor Insaine's church again?

MARGE (O.S.): I don't want that man's name mentioned in this house!

HOMER: You can tell me.

BART: Yeah. Lisa and I want to do some talking, but it gets expensive to do it anymore.

HOMER: Here's five bucks.

LISA: That's not going to cover the laughing.

HOMER: It worked last time.

BART: We need ten now.

HOMER: D'oh! (TO MARGE): Can I go?

MARGE (O.S.): No! And I don't want the kids going either!

HOMER  /  BART  /  LISA:

D'oh!     /     D'oh!   /   D'oh!

LISA (CONT'D): Why don't you invite Pastor Insaine over for dinner some night?

HOMER: Yeah, Marge.

Marge enters from the kitchen.

MARGE: Well… I guess it wouldn't be polite if I didn't invite him.

HOMER: There you go – you found a reason.

EXTERIOR SECOND CHURCH OF SPRINGFIELD – NIGHT

The sign outside reads: "DID YOU BRING ENOUGH MONEY?”

INTERIOR SECOND CHURCH OF SPRINGFIELD – CONTINUOUS

Pastor Insaine is talking to the CONGREGATION.

PASTOR INSAINE: Follow me and let me show you how it is done.

He moves his head around in CIRCLES. Then the congregation does the SAME THING.

PASTOR INSAINE (CONT'D): Is the room spinning for you, too?

CONGREGATION: Yes!

PASTOR INSAINE: Good. For a minute there I thought I was the only one.

Then he PASSES OUT. The AUDIENCE FALLS to the FLOOR.

HOMER: When can we get up?

MOE: Shush. I don't think we're allowed to talk.

INTERIOR SIMPSONS' HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

There is a KNOCK at the DOOR. Homer walks over to answer it. When he opens the door, Pastor Insaine is standing there holding a leash. Mr. Smugface is with him.

HOMER: Hello, Pastor Insaine. Can I, um… take… your cat for you?

PASTOR INSAINE: No. That won't be necessary. Mister Smugface can walk.

Homer watches as Pastor Insaine enters, walking the cat.

HOMER: I guess he doesn't need any help.

PASTOR INSAINE: Where's the dining room?

HOMER: Oh… it's over this way.

Homer accidentally leaves the DOOR OPEN as he escorts Pastor Insaine into the dining room.

INTERIOR SIMPSONS' HOUSE – DINING ROOM – CONTINUOUS

They enter the dining room and we see the following people seated at the table: Marge, Bart, Lisa, Maggie, and the back of Reverend Lovejoy. Pastor Insaine is SHOCKED.

PASTOR INSAINE (YELLING): What are you doing here?

Reverend Lovejoy turns around and sees Pastor Insaine.

REV. LOVEJOY: I could say the same thing about you.

HOMER: Gentlemen. Let us be friends like the good Lord commanded.

REV. LOVEJOY  /  PASTOR INSAINE:

Oh, shut up!      /      Oh, shut up!

EXTERIOR SIMPSONS' HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

HOMER (O.S., MOANING): I think the end is near.

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT TWO