Writers' Wednesday: "Is There a Doctor in the House?", Act 3

Today we wrap up Chuckles' original script for "The Simpsons". Acts One and Two can be found here:

http://1mt2mb.blogspot.com/2008/01/writers-wednesday-is-there-doctor-in.html

http://1mt2mb.blogspot.com/2008/01/writers-wednesday-is-there-doctor-in_23.html

You really should (re)read them before you read this final act – it's worth it!

Chuckles sent me the script almost two years ago for my personal amusement, and I thanked her… but (head hung guiltily here), busy me, I never did read it until I was getting it ready to put up here, act by act. And even then I've only read each act as I formatted it for this blog, and haven't skipped ahead.

I admit it: like Homer biting into a donut that isn't there, I was beginning to squirm with the uncomfortable feeling that the first two acts… weren't, uh, quite the funniest things she's ever written. Could this be – ? And she's quite the devotee of both "The Simpsons" and "House"!

O me of little faith. Chuckles does not disappoint.. and like a masterful writer, she sets us up nicely. When last we met, poor Bartholomew J. was about to get sliced open by a suspicious stand-in doctor by name of "Gregory House". I had to quit twice in mid-formatting this evening just to get the giggles out and call Chuckster up to let her know this was good stuff. No answer either time; I forgot that she gets together with the Reverend Lovejoy every Wednesday after supper.

We'll hear more from Lovejoy this spring, and the rest of the Simpsons (and more unexpected guests), and Dr. House himself, as Writers' Wednesday continues. Next week, we leave the animated world behind, climb aboard the very first starship Enterprise with Captain Jonathan Archer and crew, and head out for… "Thyatira".

For now, though, have another donut.

P.S., kids: This script is Copyright © 2006 by Christine Roberts, and is registered with the Writers' Guild of America (WGA).

THE SIMPSONS

"Is There a Doctor in the House?"

Written by Christine Roberts

Created by Matt Groening

Developed by James L. Brooks, Matt Groening, and Sam Simon

HOMER:                                DAN CASTELLANATA

MARGE:                                JULIE KAVNER

BART:                                    NANCY CARTWRIGHT

LISA:                                      YEARDLEY SMITH

DR. NICK RIVIERA:            HANK AZARIA

DR. GREGORY HOUSE:     HUGH LAURIE

HOUSE'S BRAIN:                HUGH LAURIE

HUGH LAURIE:                  HIMSELF

DR. LISA CUDDY:               LISA EDELSTEIN

ACT THREE

FADE IN:

INTERIOR SURGERY – DAY

Dr. Nick Riviera and House are down in the surgery area. They are dressed in surgical gowns, gloves, and masks. Homer, Marge, Lisa, and Maggie are watching the surgery with the rest of the spectators in the viewing area above. Bart, on the operating table, is unconscious. A sheet covers him from the waist down.

DR. NICK: Hi, everybody!

SPECTATORS (EXCITEDLY): Hi, Doctor Nick!

DR. NICK: I like to introduce to you the chief of diagnostics at Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital in Princeton, New Jersey: Doctor Gregory House.

The spectators applaud as House enters the room, leaning on his cane.

HOUSE: Thank you, thank you, ladies and germs.

Everyone reacts as if this is a favorite old joke.

HOUSE (CONT'D): For my first trick, I would like my assistant to help me.

He then turns to Dr. Nick.

DR. NICK: Hi, everybody!

AUDIENCE (BORED): Hi, Doctor Nick.

HOUSE: Dr. Nick Riviera will be doing the appendectomy while I perform the brain surgery.

Holding a large scalpel, he pulls his surgical mask down and puts his face up to Bart's. Bart then wakes up.

BART'S POV:

The first thing he sees is House looking at him from a few inches away. Bart SCREAMS and sits up.

HOUSE: What was that for?

BART: I'm not used to seeing an ugly face when I wake up in the mornings.

HOUSE: Why, you little – !

House drops the scalpel and begins to strangle Bart.

DR. NICK: I don't think we are allowed to do that, Dr. House.

HOMER (YELLING FROM VIEWING AREA): Yeah! That's my job!

MARGE: Here we go again.

Lisa has a look on her face that says she can't take any more of this.

LISA: Maybe that doctor's right. Maybe I am adopted.

BART: You are busted! No doctor would remove his mask before surgery.

HOUSE: That's because I knew you were faking it, boy.

BART: I can prove it, because I had my appendix out already.

HOUSE: I know.

BART: You do?

HOUSE: Yes. I can see your scar. (POINTS)

HOUSE'S POV:

We see Bart's stomach, with surgical scar visible.

BART: Then that means you're a real doctor.

HOUSE: That's right.

BART (DOUBTFUL): But you use a cane.

HOUSE: It's an old war wound.

BART: Really?

HOUSE: No. (BEAT) Haven't you heard that old saying?

BART: Which one?

HOUSE: Everyone lies.

BART: Oh… that one.

HOUSE: Yes. That one.

BART: Nope.

HOUSE: What?

Bart starts laughing and then jumps off the table and runs out of the room. He has nothing on. House chases him, still using his cane.

HOUSE (CONT'D): I'll find you!

HOMER: I guess this means the entertainment is over?

DR. NICK: Poor Dr. House. I think he's been around the Simpson family too long.

INTERIOR HOSPITAL CORRIDOR – CONTINUOUS

As House enters trying to find Bart.

HOUSE: Where's that bratty kid?

INTERIOR SURGERY VIEWING AREA – CONTINUOUS

MARGE: Now look what you've done.

HOMER: Me? Bart's the one running around the hospital naked.

MARGE: Don't try to pin this on Bart. I'm going try and find Dr. House and invite him over for dinner – and an apology.

HOMER: I don't want company for dinner.

MARGE: And you better hope for your sake that he accepts!

HOMER moans.

INTERIOR HOSPTAL CORRIDOR – CONTINUOUS

HOUSE: I'm coming after you, kid.

Then Marge, Homer, Lisa, and Maggie catch up to House.

LISA (AS SHE POINTS): There he is.

HOUSE: Oh, God – can't I get away from these people?

He stops and turns to them.

HOUSE (CONT'D): Ah, the Simpsons. My favorite family. How can I help you?

MARGE: Well, we were all wondering…

HOMER: No we weren't.

Marge then elbows Homer in the stomach. Homer reacts.

HOUSE'S BRAIN (V.O.): Get away while you still can.

House doesn't move.

HOUSE'S BRAIN (V.O.) (CONT'D): You idiot!

MARGE (CONT'D): …if you would like to come over to our house for a dinner. Kind of an apology for what Bart and Homer have been putting you through.

HOMER: Me? I haven't done anything!

HOUSE'S BRAIN (V.O.): Don't do it! You'll regret it for the rest of your life.

HOUSE: Sure. I'd be delighted to.

HOUSE'S BRAIN (V.O.): Okay, that does it! I'm leaving!

CUT TO:

HOUSE'S EYES (EXTREME CLOSEUP), UNBLINKING

We hear elevator sounds: a "ding", a door slides open and shut, and the elevator car rapidly ascends and fades away.

DISSOLVE TO:

INTERIOR SIMPSONS HOUSE – NIGHT

As Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa, Maggie, and House are gathered around the table having dinner.

MARGE: I'm glad you let us make it up to you, Doctor, by joining us for dinner.

HOUSE: The only way I eat this well is if I go out.

LISA: You live alone?

HOUSE: Yes. Ah, I see the medicine I gave you did the trick.

HOMER: Yeah; that stuff really worked – I was surprised.

Marge smacks Homer.

HOMER (CONT'D): What did I say? I was just complimenting him!

MARGE: What my husband was trying to say, Dr. House, is thank you for helping Lisa.

HOMER: Oh yeah. That too.

HOUSE: You're welcome.

Then the doorbell RINGS.

HOMER: Who the hell is that?

MARGE (SARCASTIC): I don't know, Homer – why don't you go look?

HOMER: Do I have to?

MARGE: Yes, Homer.

Homer walks over.

INTERIOR SIMPSONS LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS

As Homer opens up the door we see DR. CUDDY standing just outside.

DR. CUDDY: Hello, I'm Doctor Lisa Cuddy. Is there a Doctor Gregory House here?

HOMER: Yeah. He's sitting over there eating our food.

DR. CUDDY: Can you send him out here?

HOMER (YELLING): Hey, House! Some girl at the front door wants to see you!

HOUSE (O.S.): It's not one of those blasted cookie sales again, is it?

HOMER (YELLING LOUDER) No! This one is good-looking!

HOUSE (O.S.): Even better. I'll be right there.

He walks over, using his cane.

HOUSE: Ah, Doctor Cuddy – what brings you here?

DR. CUDDY: I have a couple of people who want to meet you.

HOUSE: Nope. No more clinic duty. I hate those.

DR. CUDDY: These are friends of mine.

HOUSE: From what planet?

DR. CUDDY: Let me show you. (TO THE MEN) Okay, boys.

Then two large men in WHITE OUTFITS come up to House.

HOUSE (WHILE MAKING AS IF TO RUN AWAY FROM THEM): No!

Then the two men pull a straitjacket onto him.

DR. CUDDY: Let me guess. He told you he was a diagnostic specialist from a "Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital" in Princeton, New Jersey?

HOMER: Yes.

DR. CUDDY: He's been telling everyone that. I'm surprised he keeps it up.

The two men begin to drag House away.

HUGH LAURIE: I'm not Gregory House! I'm an actor! My name is Laurie! Hugh Laurie!

DR. CUDDY: Yeah, yeah – we've heard that one before, too.

Hugh Laurie is dragged off screen.

DR. CUDDY (CONT'D): Thanks for your help, Mr. Simpson.

HOMER: Sure. No problem. (BEAT) Can I ask you a question?

DR. CUDDY: Sure.

HOMER: If he's not House, then who is he?

DR. CUDDY: He's a mental patient from the third floor of our teaching hospital in Princeton. We aren't sure what his name is. He either pretends to be a British actor named Hugh Laurie, or an American doctor named Gregory House. I guess it all depends on what his mood is.

Marge enters.

MARGE: That's sad. He came so highly recommended by Dr. Hibbert.

DR. CUDDY: I would recommend you call your Dr. Hibbert right away about this.

Lisa enters.

LISA: But he cured me of the rhinovirus.

DR. CUDDY: A cold? He cured you of a cold? There's no cure for a cold, sweetie.

She leaves impatiently.

EXTERIOR SIMPSONS HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

DR. CUDDY (CONT'D): House, what did you do to this patient?

HOUSE (O.S.): I'm not telling!

SIMPSONS: Bye, Dr. House.

They close the door behind her.

INTERIOR SIMPSONS LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

LISA: But it is so weird. If he isn't a doctor, then how come he cured me?

HOMER: I don't know.

MARGE: Maybe it has something to do with faith?

HOMER: Or something to do with the fact that you are a Simpson.

LISA: Are those my only options?

HOMER: Yes.

Lisa thinks about it.

LISA: Then the doctor was right – I am adopted.

MARGE: Did he tell you that?

LISA: You have to admit, it would make perfect sense, since I'm so different compared to everyone else in the family.

MARGE: Well. What kind of doctor goes around telling kids things like that?

Bart enters.

BART: A doctor who wants to make a lot of money off of us.

HOMER: We don't have that much money. I can even prove it.

Then he pulls his pockets inside out. They show up empty.

HOMER (CONT'D) (SAD): (ANNOYED GRUNT)

BART: See, I told you he wasn't a doctor.

LISA: But he cured me!

Then she begins sneezing.

BART: What did I tell you?

Bart begins laughing as Lisa chases him.

MARGE: At least everything is back to normal at the Simpsons' house.

HOUSE (V.O.): The following people are helping me get back out of the third floor…

He then reads the out names as the credits are rolling:

HOUSE (V.O., CONT'D): Dan Castellanata. Julie Kavner... (ETC.)

THE END

 

Writers' Wednesday: "Is There a Doctor in the House?", Act 2

I haven't quite thanked Chuckles yet for her material – which lately is practically keeping this blog off life-support; my new job (halfway through its second week) has been drawing on a lot of my energy and creativity. Not to worry; I'll be kicking in something soon about life as a new office manager / executive assistant. I'm also still (mentally) writing out a long, earnest piece – likely to become a series of pieces – on being a very liberal adult feminist male realizing he's also anti-abortion.

Plus, I've been committed since September to doing a further, serious posting on the silliness, that during World War II Pope Pius XII colluded with the Nazis and/or Fascists, or at least turned his back on the Holocaust.

And I've promised a second weekly feature here, or every other week – probably on Thursdays or Fridays – tentatively titled "Weekend Workshop", where longtime contributor Spartacus lets us into one of his two spotless machine-shops and shows us how he built his very own lapsteel guitar. This I frustratedly have to push back into next month, or even March, while I get these other pieces completed. But if all of you behave yourselves, and don't mess with Spartacus' equipment during our visits to his bunker (I nearly got thrown out of one of his shops myself, about a year and a half back, for having itchy fingers), then we'll follow up the lapsteel with a crossbow or/and longbow, and maybe some other goodies.

For now, though, our weekly Writers’ Wednesday feature continues with Act 2 of Chuckles' "Is There a Doctor in the House?", one of several of her original (and submitted) scripts for “The Simpsons”. So once again, just uncap your Vicodin, stick out your tongue and say “D’oh!”, and read on.

Note: This script is Copyright © 2006 by Christine Roberts, and is registered with the Writers' Guild of America (WGA).

THE SIMPSONS

"Is There a Doctor in the House?"

Written by Christine Roberts

Created by Matt Groening

Developed by James L. Brooks, Matt Groening, and Sam Simon

HOMER:                                DAN CASTELLANETA

MARGE:                                JULIE KAVNER

BART:                                    NANCY CARTWRIGHT

LISA:                                      YEARDLEY SMITH

ARNIE PIE:                           DAN CASTELLANETA

KENT BROCKMAN:            HARRY SHEARER

LENNY:                                 HARRY SHEARER

CARL:                                    HANK AZARIA

MOE:                                      HANK AZARIA

DR. GREGORY HOUSE:     HUGH LAURIE

JOHN WALSH:                    HIMSELF

NURSE:

ACT TWO

FADE IN:

INTERIOR NEWS STUDIO – DAY

KENT BROCKMAN is doing the news. While he is reading the story, we see a picture of Dr. Hibbert in the corner of the screen.

KENT BROCKMAN: This is Kent Brockman with the news. People in Springfield aren't asking where Dr. Julius Hibbert is, because no one cares! There is a new doctor in the house.

Now we see a picture of Greg House on the screen in the corner.

KENT BROCKMAN (CONT'D): Dr. Greg House, that is. People have been ooh-ing and aah-ing about him ever since he and Springfield met. Let's go to Arnie Pie "In the Sky" for a live report.

ON TV:

We see ARNIE PIE flying the traffic helicopter, not realizing that he is "on" live.

ARNIE PIE: Why don't they give me the same pay as you? I do the same amount of hours.

INTERIOR STUDIO – CONTINUOUS

KENT BROCKMAN: Um… Arnie, we're live.

ARNIE PIE: Who cares? I only wish I got… (THEN HE REALIZES) …as much attention as this guy does!

EXT. HOTEL – DAY

We see an AERIAL VIEW of the hotel. Dr. House is being pursued by a group of girls closely following him. He runs toward the left, and the group moves to the left. He runs to the right, and the group moves to the right. He can't move fast because of his cane, so the group keeps pace.

ARNIE PIE: As you can see, they just follow him like a magnet.

CUT TO:

INTERIOR MOE'S TAVERN – DAY

MOE, CARL, LENNY, and Homer are sitting around watching the news on TV.

LENNY: Now, how come I can't get girls to follow me like that?

CARL: That's because you're not cute.

MOE: Cute doesn't have anything to do with it.

HOMER: It doesn't?

MOE: Nope. It is pure luck.

HOMER: Luck, huh? Hmm…

Homer thinks about it.

BACK TO SCENE

We see a close up of House as he tries to unlock the door of his hotel room.

HOUSE: Will you weirdoes get away from me? Or do I have to start caning?

Then he manages to get the door open and dashes inside. He slams it shut and locks it, and the girls start banging on it.

INTERIOR HOTEL ROOM – CONTINUOUS

HOUSE (CONT'D): I've got to find a way to get out of this place before I go mad.

Then he gets an idea.

HOUSE (CONT'D): Where's my game?

He grabs a handheld video game, puts on the headphones, and begins playing it.

HOUSE (CONT'D): Ah… now this is more like it.

The group of girls is still banging on the outside of the door, but he doesn't hear any more of it.

BACK TO STUDIO

KENT BROCKMAN: I can only hope he had a new weapon to combat this terrible ordeal he is going through.

INTERIOR SIMPSONS HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

Marge, Bart and Lisa are watching the TV.

BART: And this is the guy you went to?

MARGE: It's not like we had a choice. Dr. Hibbert was out.

LISA: He cured me of the common cold.

BART: That's ridiculous. No one can cure the common cold. Right, Mom?

MARGE: Apparently House can.

Bart then shudders.

BART: Uhh…hh…hh…

ON TV

Kent Brockman is reading the news; the picture of Dr. Hibbert is still in the corner.

KENT BROCKMAN: Will there be anyone who will miss Dr. Hibbert? Apparently not.

INTERIOR SIMPSONS HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

As the TV goes black.

MARGE: Bart! What did you do that for?

BART (HOLDING TELEVISION REMOTE): I'm getting tired of hearing how "great" House is.

LISA: I don't see a problem.

MARGE: You should be glad we have a doctor like House.

Bart shudders again.

BART: I can't take it!

Then he runs out of the room.

LISA: Maybe he needs to see the doctor?

MARGE: Maybe.

INTERIOR BART'S ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Bart enters.

BART: I've got to find out the truth about this guy. Nobody can be that good. Then everyone will believe me. This guy must be some kind of a con artist. I need to expose him.

Bart starts writing up a plan.

BART'S FANTASY:

Bart envisions JOHN WALSH doing a segment of "America's Most Wanted".

JOHN WALSH: Tonight's story takes us to Springfield USA, where a ten-year-old boy was smart enough to call us here at "America's Most Wanted" and give us a tip about what this evil man has been doing.

Now we see John interviewing Bart.

JOHN WALSH (CONT'D): What tipped you off about this "Doctor" House?

BART: What got me going, John, was the way he could supposedly cure people of almost anything.

JOHN WALSH: Anything? Are you sure?

BART: Yep. Even colds.

JOHN WALSH: Oh my gosh! This is serious.

BART: I know. That is why I called.

Then we hear Bart snickering offscreen.

BART (CONT'D): What was that?

BACK TO SCENE

Now we see Bart sitting at his desk snickering.

BART (CONT'D): Screw this plan; I'm calling.

Then he runs out to a nearby pay phone.

INTERIOR SIMPSONS HOUSE – LATER

Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa, and Maggie are gathered around the dinner table.

MARGE: All I've been hearing are good reports about this Doctor House.

HOMER: Me too. Moe was saying that this House guy can put him out of business.

LISA: How's that? Does he have a cure for alcoholism?

MARGE: Yeah… that's right.

HOMER (SCARED): I hope not!

BART: I called America's Most Wanted.

LISA: You can't do that.

BART: Why not?

MARGE: When they say America's "most wanted", they are talking about fugitives. Not most-wanted professions, like doctors.

HOMER (CONFUSED): They are?

MARGE (TO HOMER): Yes, Dear. (TO BART) Now stop calling them!

BART: But he's a crook!

LISA: How do you know?

BART: He's a con artist.

Lisa begins laughing.

LISA: You're jealous!

BART: I am not.

LISA: Are too.

BART (V.O.): I've got to find a way to expose him.

INTERIOR WAITING ROOM – DAY

We see several people in the waiting room, different patients from last time. Every chair is taken again. Now we see Bart, disguised with a thick black mustache.

NURSE: Mr. Smith. You're next.

INTERIOR HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

Bart follows the nurse into an exam room.

NURSE (CONT'D): The doctor will be in soon.

She closes the door and House shows up, leaning on his cane.

HOUSE: Do I need Vicodin for this one?

NURSE: Oh, definitely. I would.

He hands her a few pills, then takes some himself before going in.

INTERIOR EXAM ROOM – CONTINUOUS

As House enters carrying a folder and using his cane.

BART (SURPRISED): You're House?

House picks up on it.

HOUSE: Yes, I'm Greg House. What seems to be your problem, little boy?

BART: I'm not a little… (CHANGES HIS VOICE TO SOUND LIKE AN ADULT) I'm John Smith.

HOUSE: Okay. Whatever you say, Mister Smith.

Then he pops some more Vicodin.

BART (V.O.): This will be easier than I thought.

BART (IN ADULT VOICE): I have some pain over here. (THEN HE POINT TO HIS SIDE) Right here.

HOUSE: Does it hurt when I do this? (THEN HE TOUCHES THE SAME PLACE) Right here?

BART (IN ADULT VOICE): Yes.

HOUSE: How about when I do this? (THEN HE TOUCHES ANOTHER SPOT) Like this?

BART (IN ADULT VOICE): Yes. (TRYING TO KEEP UP) Yes.

House now touches the other side of his body.

HOUSE: What about when I touch here?

BART (IN ADULT VOICE): Yes.

HOUSE: Oh, my God.

BART (IN ADULT VOICE): What is it?

HOUSE: It's spreading!

BART: What? (NOT REALIZING HIS VOICE IS BACK TO NORMAL): What's wrong with me?

House smiles as he looks at Bart.

HOUSE: I'll tell you what's wrong. (BEAT) You're faking it!

BART: I am? (IN ADULT VOICE) I mean, I am?

HOUSE: Yes, and you're doing a horrible job.

BART: I am not!

HOUSE: Are too. You can't even keep your voice straight. It keeps switching.

BART: That's what happens to you when you get older… (IN ADULT VOICE) …your voice changes.

HOUSE: If there is one thing you can't do, it's con Greg House.

Then he turns away from Bart.

BART: Fine.

Then he gets off of the table and heads for the exit, and collapses.

BART (CONT'D): Oww!

HOUSE: I'm not buying it.

BART: But it hurts!

HOUSE: I told you, I'm not buying it.

He turns around and sees Bart on the floor.

HOUSE: Excuse me.

Then he steps over Bart and heads for the door.

BART: I'm in pain!

HOUSE: Where is it now?

BART: On my right side.

HOUSE: Let me check.

Then he looks Bart over.

HOUSE (CONT'D): Okay. I'm scheduling you for surgery.

BART: What?

HOUSE: It could be your appendix.

BART: Huh?

HOUSE: Unless you're faking this one?

BART: Ugh… no.

HOUSE: Then you're having surgery ASAP.

Then he exits.

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT TWO

 

Writers' Wednesday: "Is There a Doctor in the House?", Act 1

Hi, everybody!

For our next Writers' Wednesday feature, Chuckles addresses a question all Fox viewers have been dying to know: What do you get when you cross "The Simpsons" with "House"? Well… maybe "dying" wouldn't be the best of words to use – and Dr. House probably doesn't want a malpractice suit any more than you want to buy your attorney another BMW.

So just uncap your Vicodin, stick out your tongue and say "D'oh!", and read on. (P.S.: "V.O." stands for "voiceover".)

Note: This script is Copyright © 2006 by Christine Roberts, and is registered with the Writers' Guild of America (WGA).

THE SIMPSONS

"Is There a Doctor in the House?"

Written by Christine Roberts

Created by Matt Groening

Developed by James L. Brooks, Matt Groening, and Sam Simon

HOMER:                                DAN CASTELLANETA

MARGE:                                JULIE KAVNER

BART:                                    NANCY CARTWRIGHT

LISA:                                      YEARDLEY SMITH

DR. JULIUS HIBBERT:      HARRY SHEARER

DR. NICK RIVIERA:            HANK AZARIA

COMIC BOOK GUY:            HANK AZARIA

HUGH LAURIE:                  HIMSELF

DR. GREGORY HOUSE:     HUGH LAURIE

HOUSE'S BRAIN:                HUGH LAURIE

NURSE:

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

INT. DR. HIBBERT'S OFFICE – DAY

 

DR. HIBBERT is doing surgery on a patient when his NURSE rushes in carrying a piece of paper.

NURSE: Doctor! Doctor!

HIBBERT: How many times have I told you not to interrupt me while I'm performing surgery?

NURSE: But it's important!

HIBBERT: ...unless it's very important.

NURSE: You've won a free trip to Hawaii!

HIBBERT (ECSTATIC): Shoot, I'm outta here!

NURSE: But Doctor – what about the patient?

HIBBERT: Let him finish his own surgery.

NURSE: You need to find a replacement.

HIBBERT: Oh, that's right.

INT. DR. HIBBERT'S OFFICE – NIGHT

Hibbert is talking on the phone to a friend.

HIBBERT (CONT'D) (ON PHONE): You've got to help me out! I've called all my friends who are doctors and no one can come. You're the last one on my Rolodex.

INTERCUT

INT. OF A DOCTOR'S OFFICE – NIGHT

We see just the back of HUGH LAURIE as he sits in the chair talking to Hibbert.

HUGH LAURIE (ON PHONE): I don't know, Julius. Some people have this weird idea about me.

HIBBERT: Oh, don't let that bother you, Hugh. It's either you or that numbskull of a doctor.

He then sees DR. NICK waving to him.

DR. NICK: Hi, everybody!

Dr. Hibbert shudders.

HIBBERT: Besides… (THREATENING) ...You owe me.

HUGH LAURIE (ON PHONE): Well, when you put it that way... I'll do it.

HIBBERT: Thanks a lot. (GIGGLES) I knew I could count on you. (GIGGLES) See you on Monday.

FLASHBACK:

Hibbert is remembering a phone call he had with Dr. Nick.

DR. NICK: Now remember, if you ever need me, just call and I'll be right over.

DISSOLVE BACK TO:

HIBBERT: (SHUDDERS) Eww; I can't even think of that. Oh well. Who cares? (EXCITED) I'm out of here! Hello, Hawaii! (GIGGLES)

Then he dashes off.

CUT TO:

INT. SIMPSON'S HOUSE – MORNING

BART, LISA, HOMER, and MAGGIE are sitting around the table eating breakfast. MARGE rushes in.

MARGE: Kids – you better hurry up, or you'll be late for school.

BART: But Mom, I don't want to go to school.

MARGE: Lisa, you haven't even touched your breakfast.

LISA (SLOWLY): Oh... I didn't. Here, pass it to me... then I'll eat it.

MARGE: You don't even have enough energy to touch it?

BART: I don't believe it.

HOMER: Neither do I. Bart, touch your food!

MARGE: Homer, it's Lisa. Not Bart.

HOMER: Lisa? It can't be her. She's not like that.

MARGE: I know. That's what's strange. (TO LISA) You're going to the doctor's.

LISA: I don't want to go. I'll go to school.

BART (SHRUGS): I can't even think of that. Even I would rather go to the doctor.

LISA: Okay, you go.

MARGE: I'm not going through this again. Bart, you're going to school.

INT. LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Then she pushes Bart out of the front door. Through the window we see Bart getting on the bus.

INT. KITCHEN – CONTINUOUS

Marge is on the phone calling the doctor.

MARGE (CONT'D) (ON PHONE): Hello. Doctor Hibbert's office? Yes; this is Marge Simpson. Yes. I need to make an appointment for Lisa. (BEAT) What? Dr. Hibbert isn't in? Well, I guess we don't have any choice; we'll see the other doctor. (BEAT) Yes. Eight-thirty will be fine. Thank you.

She checks the clock.

MARGE'S POV:

The clock is showing 8:00.

MARGE (CONT'D): Huh?

Then she hurriedly runs around trying to get Lisa ready for the doctor. The clock's hands are moving as fast as Marge is.

INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE – WAITING AREA - LATER

There are a lot of people in the waiting area. Every seat is filled up with a person. They are filling out forms as if they are new patients. Marge is sitting in a chair while Lisa has a chair next to her and is holding Maggie. COMIC BOOK GUY is filling out papers.

COMIC BOOK GUY: Let's see now. "Real name?" Comic Book Guy. "Pseudonym?" Jeff Albertson.

MARGE: I don't know why we have to fill out all these papers when we go to see a doctor.

LISA (HOARSE VOICE): You're right – let's just go home, then.

Lisa tries to get up, and Marge pushes her back down.

MARGE: You're not going anywhere, young lady, until we've figured out what is wrong with you.

NURSE: Lisa Simpson.

MARGE: Yes.

LISA (HOARSE VOICE): You're not me.

MARGE: We're going.

She drags Lisa while carrying Maggie.

INT. EXAM ROOM #1 – CONTINUOUS

The nurse shows them into the room.

NURSE: The doctor will be in in a few minutes.

MARGE (SUPRISED): You're not staying?

LISA: Mom!

The nurse has a confused look on her face as she leaves.

EXT. EXAM ROOM #1 – CONTINUOUS

The nurse closes the door behind her.

NURSE: Parents. Jeez.

Then DR. GREGORY HOUSE arrives, using his cane.

NURSE (CONT'D): I wouldn't go in there if I were you.

HOUSE: Believe me – this is the last place I want to be. I hate clinic duty.

NURSE: You're not the only one.

HOUSE'S BRAIN (V.O.): If they're that bad, you better take a couple of Vicodin before you go in.

He pops a few pills before entering.

INT. EXAM ROOM #1 – CONTINUOUS

Dr. House enters, sees the family.

HOUSE'S BRAIN (V.O.) (CONT'D): Okay. These people appear to be normal.

HOUSE: Hi. I'm Greg House. How are we doing today, little girl?

LISA (HOARSE VOICE): Why do doctors always ask that? If I was feeling fine, I wouldn't be here.

House pops a few more Vicodin.

MARGE: What was that you just took?

HOUSE (THROUGH FULL MOUTH): Vitamins.

MARGE (CHEERFUL): Oh, those are good for you.

HOUSE'S BRAIN (V.O.): Good, she bought it. This family is weirder than you thought.

He takes another Vicodin.

MARGE: Why are you taking more vitamins?

HOUSE: I have a vitamin deficiency.

MARGE: Well, that makes sense.

HOUSE'S BRAIN (V.O.): I can't believe how gullible these people are. This job is going to be a cinch. They believe anything you tell them.

HOUSE: Stick out your tongue and say "ah".

Lisa does it.

HOUSE (CONT'D): Now do this.

He makes a funny face. Lisa copies him.

MARGE: Does that help you figure out what's wrong with her?

HOUSE: No. I just like making the patients do weird things.

Then he writes out a prescription

MARGE: What does she have?

HOUSE: Your daughter has something called a "rhinovirus".

Marge panics.

MARGE (PARANOID): What is that? Is it curable?

LISA (HOARSE VOICE): In other words, I have a cold.

House shoots her a look.

HOUSE: Very good. Maybe you'll become a doctor like me.

LISA (HOARSE VOICE) I kind of doubt it. I would do a better job at differential diagnostics.

He pats her on the head.

HOUSE: You must have been adopted.

MARGE: For some reason people keep saying that.

House fills out some papers.

HOUSE: Probably since your family is crazy.

MARGE: What did you say?

He continues to fill out papers.

HOUSE: I said it's a good thing your family has a baby. (BEAT) I've got to go.

Then he hurriedly exits.

MARGE: He must have a lot of patients.

LISA (HOARSE VOICE): Why do you say that?

MARGE: Because he's in such a hurry.

LISA (HOARSE VOICE): I don't know, I'm kind of suspicious of him.

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT ONE