Writers' Wednesday: Nowhere But Texas (Act 1)

Beginning today and running every Wednesday, I'll be showcasing the writing expertise of someone who's actually been noticed for their writing… and still is willing to talk to me, and listen to (but fortunately ignore) some of my own ideas. This will keep you folks further entertained while trying to simplify your lives.

Family-friend and de-facto nonlegally-adopted pseudo-stepsister Chuckles has spent some years now writing scripts for television shows (and at least one movie so far). None of these has seen filming or animation yet, but give the gal time – she's good, and really knows her stuff. Her series-work thus far includes "The Equalizer", "Family Ties", "The Golden Girls", "Home Improvement", "House", "King of the Hill", "The Simpsons", and "Star Trek" (both "Next Generation" and "Enterprise"). Plus there's her Spiderman-series franchise screenplay, and a two-night original miniseries, and more.

Chuckles is downright funny to listen to, is a real smart-aleck – and sometimes actually talks like a cartoon. For just one example, she faces up to life's disappointments with a genuine "Drats!" – I've heard her!

And nothing gets the girl down for very long! She remains a child at heart (well, she is young; she was only born in nineteen-sixty-mumble); she lost her father when was even younger, her mother just a few years ago, and her oldest sister quite suddenly less than two weeks before Christmas, 2001.

Did I mention she's legally blind? And that she's fresh out of TMI surgery? And isn't out of the woods yet, health-wise?

If all of us could handle life's hurdles the way Chuckles has her whole life, this sorry world would be a fantastic (and quite silly) place… and we'd all have word-balloons over our heads.

This undeterred writer has lived in more states than I've been in countries. Presently she's in a drought-ridden Southeastern-US state, having moved there from just up the street from me. Before that, she and her family lived in Texas… and her experiences there – and since then – inspired the first script of hers we'll read and giggle with.

This one's for the animated series "King of the Hill" – which I don't watch, by the way, so I know very little backstory of the characters. But the script is funny!

Oh, and before anyone gets any selfish ideas, this script is Copyright © 2004 by Christine Roberts, and is registered with the Writers' Guild of America (WGA). Yow! (And, no, Chuckles is not on strike.)

KING OF THE HILL

"Nowhere But Texas"

Written by Christine Roberts

Created by Mike Judge & Greg Daniels

OPENING

FADE IN:

EXT, HILL HOUSE – DAY

Boomhauer, Dale, Hank, and Bill are standing outside of Hank's house drinking beer on a clear day, when suddenly a car dashes by extremely fast.

HANK: What was that?

BOOMHAUER: I don't know what that was, but it sure did a number on Bill's lawn.

HANK: I bet it was some silly teenager doing some sort of drag racing around here.

BILL: I think it would be fun to stand here and watch a race.

HANK: Aren't you worried about your lawn, Bill?

Just then the car comes driving toward the four men again at high speed. The four of them scream as they run in separate directions. Then the car slows down, pulls up to Hank's house, and stops in his yard.

DALE: If I were you, Hank, I'd be worried about my own lawn. Especially when there are people still in it.

The car's front doors open and we can see the legs of one person getting out of the driver's seat. All four men have a worried look on their faces. Dale begins to hide behind Hank.

DALE (CONT'D): Don't let them take me away from my home!

HANK: Quit being such a scaredy-cat, Dale.

We hear the voice of the driver, Patrick, as he walks up to the four of them.

PATRICK: Which one of you is Hank Hill?

Boomhauer, Dale, and Bill all point to Hank. Hank has a worried look on his face as we:

FADE OUT.

That part is called "The Teaser" in the industry. Chuckles wanted me to just whet your appetites with that little snippet and stop, and then hold off until next week for Act One. Naah; I couldn't do that. Put on the popcorn and have a seat.

KING OF THE HILL

"Nowhere But Texas"

Written by Christine Roberts

Created by Mike Judge & Greg Daniels

MAIN TITLES

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

EXT. HANK'S HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

Since everyone is pointing to Hank, Patrick and his brother Chip get out of the car and walk up to him. Dale, Bill, and Boomhauer run and stand behind Hank. Hank is still standing there.

HANK: If y'all are looking for a fight, I can take on the two of you.

CHIP: We're not looking for a fight. We're looking for our fifteenth cousin, ten times removed. His name is Hank Hill and he lives in Arlen, Texas.

BILL: I believe he is describing you, Hank.

BOOMHAUER: Yep. That's what I would call it. Hank Hill.

DALE: If he is on "America's Most Wanted", I found him first. How much is he worth? Will I be on television?

CHIP: I told you already. He is a cousin of ours. We're doing our family genealogy and we are spending our time traveling all over the country trying to find our relatives.

DALE: Does this mean I don't get the money?

HANK: Where are y'all from?

CHIP: Freedom, Maryland.

DALE: Augh! Yankees!

BILL: Sounds like a nice place.

DALE: How would you know? You've never seen it.

BILL: It has a nice sound to it.

HANK: Why don't you guys come in for a while? I'm sure Peggy won't mind.

CHIP: Sure.

INT. HANK'S HOUSE – DAY

Hank, Patrick, Chip, Peggy, and Bobby are gathered around the living room. Hank, Chip, and Patrick are drinking beer.

PATRICK: This is good beer, Hank. We don't get any of this in Maryland.

Hank laughs a bit.

HANK: Maybe you should have this stuff exported to Maryland.

CHIP: Maryland is part of the United States.

PATRICK: So is Texas.

HANK: Bite your tongue.

BOBBY: Yeah. Texas is its own country.

Patrick takes a drink. Then he starts to have problems swallowing the beer and collapses onto the floor. Chip runs over to him.

CHIP: Pat! What's wrong? Are you all right?

Peggy turns to Hank.

PEGGY: I hope you're happy now. You killed him.

HANK: I didn't kill him.

INT. FUNERAL PARLOR – NEXT DAY

Now we are in the funeral parlor. There is a casket with Patrick lying in it. Hank, Peggy, and Bobby are in the funeral parlor looking at the casket with Patrick in it.

PEGGY (sarcastic): Yep. I say you killed him all right.

HANK: I didn't kill him.

PEGGY (sarcastic): Then why is Patrick lying in the casket?

HANK: Let's just change the subject.

PEGGY (sarcastic): It's kind of hard when you're in a funeral parlor.

Hank walks over to Chip.

HANK: What kind of funeral were you planning on having?

CHIP: I don't know. I really haven't thought about it.

HANK: Let me give you an example. I am a Methodist. So I would have a Methodist type of funeral. What religion are you?

CHIP: I'm an atheist.

HANK: Really?

Chip raises his right hand.

CHIP: Swear to God.

HANK (doubtful): Uh-huh.

Hank walks away.

HANK (to himself): If these people are really my long-lost relatives, I need a blood transfusion.

He walks over to Dale and Bill.

BILL: Hey, Hank! Look at this casket.

Bill feels the lining inside.

BILL: Isn't this pretty?

Hank sighs.

DALE: Let's have some fun.

Dale climbs in it.

DALE: Look, everyone. I'm dead.

HANK: Maybe mentally.

A salesman walks over.

PETER: Can I help you?

HANK: Yes. I am inquiring about a casket for a friend's funeral.

Peter looks at Dale in the casket.

PETER: Is it for him?

Dale smiles, and waves to Peter. Then he gulps down some more beer.

DALE: How am I doing so far?

HANK: Get out of the casket, Dale!

Dale slowly gets out of the casket and falls onto the floor.

DALE: Oops. Don't everyone panic. I'm all right. You don't need to come to my rescue.

Nobody comes over.

DALE (as he points to everyone): Be like that. But remember, I know where you live and what kind of bugs are lurking in your home. Ha. Ha. Ha.

BILL: It's for his 20th cousin.

HANK: Dang it, Bill. Quit it!

BILL: Wait a minute. I'm trying to get it.

Chip walks over.

CHIP: He's right.

HANK (as he slaps his head): Oh no.

CHIP: Patrick and I are Hank's cousins. Of course, Pat is gone now.

PETER: Ah yes. Patrick. We have that body here already with us.

BILL: Can I see him?

HANK: Bill, quit it.

Dale gets up in a hurry.

DALE: Can I see him? Huh? Huh? Can I?

HANK: Dale, quit acting like a kid!

PETER: Maybe I can help you gentlemen with buying a casket?

Dale points to the one he was lying in.

DALE: I like that one.

PETER: Good choice: the Super-GL.

HANK: You make it sound like we are buying a car.

PETER: 4,200 dollars.

Peggy enters.

PEGGY: We are not going to spend that much money on a casket.

HANK: Yes. Especially that much.

PEGGY: Let's get right down to it. Which one is the cheapest?

PETER: A 500-dollar job.

HANK: Sold!

PETER: What kind of funeral did you prefer?

CHIP: Well I'm more of an ath….

HANK (interrupting): He would rather have Methodist.

CHIP: No I wouldn't.

PEGGY: Let the man choose, Hank.

HANK: You're not going to like it, Peggy.

HANK (as he slaps his face): Dear God. Please don't let him…

CHIP: What's popular right now?

HANK (angry): What the hell kind of question is that?

DALE: A normal one.

HANK: Dale, if you don't quit it, I'm going to make you sit in the car.

Dale ponders.

PETER: We have Regular and Deluxe. Deluxe is 100 dollars extra.

HANK: / CHIP:

Regular. / Deluxe.

HANK (CONT'D): Do I have to remind you who's paying for it?

CHIP: You are.

HANK: We'll have the Regular.

PETER: Suit yourself, but you're missing out on a great deal. It comes with music.

CHIP (impatiently): Can't we get the Deluxe? Huh? Huh?

HANK: No!

CHIP: You're no fun.

HANK: That's right.

Hank shoots him a look.

DALE: I know exactly where you're coming from.

Chip shoots Dale a look.

CHIP: I wouldn't complain if I were you. I'm the one related to him.

Hank looks at Chip as we…

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT ONE