Writers' Wednesday: Nowhere But Texas (conclusion)

Here's the second half of Chuckles' original script for the animated series, "King of the Hill"; I put up the first act last Wednesday. (Here's a little background on the show's characters.) PS: "O.S." stands for "offscreen".

As Harry Golden used to say: Enjoy, enjoy! But remember: this script is Copyright © 2004 by Christine Roberts, and is registered with the Writers' Guild of America (WGA).

KING OF THE HILL

"Nowhere But Texas"

Written by Christine Roberts

Created by Mike Judge & Greg Daniels

ACT TWO

FADE IN:

INT. LIMO – DAY

Hank, Peggy, Bobby, Chip, and the driver are in the limo heading over to the funeral parlor.

HANK: I still can't believe we are doing this.

CHIP: I know what you mean.

HANK: You do?

CHIP: Of course.

HANK: Good. Then I'm not the only who believes this is a waste of money.

CHIP: That's not what I was thinking of.

HANK: It's not?

CHIP: No. I thought you meant that you couldn't believe Patrick is dead.

Hank tries to cover up his disbelief.

HANK: Oh, yeah. That's right. I was thinking of that also.

DRIVER: Yep. I know what you mean. After my prostate surgery, I couldn't face anyone for a while also. (MORE)

Everyone begins to shoot confused looks at each other while the driver continues to talk.

DRIVER (CONT'D): It was really hard on me. I bet my family didn't realize the hardship I must have felt going through the whole ordeal.

PEGGY: Excuse me, Driver.

Peggy puts her hand up and Hank puts it down.

HANK: Don't fight it, Peg. I'm afraid we would end up with a repeat of the whole story, and I don't think I can handle that.

PEGGY: You're right.

DRIVER: Did you want me, Ma'am?

PEGGY / HANK:

No! / No!

DRIVER: Okay.

Both Peggy and Hank answer with a sigh of relief.

INT. FUNERAL PARLOR – DAY

Everyone is gathered inside the funeral parlor. The body is in the casket up front where everyone can see it. A few people enter from the hallway. We can see in the hallway that there are other funeral rooms on each side of this room. The minister walks in and stand behind the podium.

MINISTER: We are gathered here to honor the memory of Patrick Street.

DALE: In honor of what you are going through right now, Hank, I'm not even going to say his name.

HANK: Thank you, Dale. That is probably the best thing you could do for me now.

MINISTER: It is surprise and a shock of how quickly Pat went. No one could have seen it coming.

DALE: Except a psychic.

HANK (impatiently): Quit it, Dale!

MINISTER: His friends will remember him… (MORE)

Then we see the Hill family sitting next to Chip.

MINISTER (CONT'D): …and his family, Chip and the Hills.

Hank covers up his face.

HANK: Not us.

MINISTER: Let us turn to Hymn 406 in your hymnals.

BILL: But we don't have any music.

DALE: That's because Hank is cheap.

BOBBY: How come you're cheap, Dad?

HANK: Oh, God. I can't handle this now. Would you guys want to see me fork over and extra 100 dollars just for some cheap band that probably doesn't know religious songs from patriotic ones?

An orchestra in the room next door begins playing patriotic music.

BILL: You did it, Hank!

BOOMHAUER: Thanks for getting the music started for us, Hank, but that's not the number we are supposed to sing.

HANK: Oh, my God.

PEGGY: That's nice, Hank, but the correct statement would be "Thank You, God". Or "Thank You, Lord".

CHIP: This is better than the Deluxe.

MINISTER: No it isn't.

BILL: It isn't?

MINISTER: No. For the extra 100 dollars, they would have gotten the song right.

Everyone shoots a look at Hank.

HANK: I'm not paying the extra money!

DALE: That's because you're cheap.

HANK: Quit it, Dale!

PEGGY: Don't listen to them, Hank.

HANK: Thank you, Peggy.

Bill, Dale, Boomhauer, and Chip all run over to the wall.

DALE: I see something.

HANK: Get over here, Dale!

BILL: I see it too.

HANK: What are you guys trying to do?

The four of them begin pulling on the funeral room doors, two guys to each door. They pull them open to reveal the orchestra playing the patriotic music. The music becomes louder as the doors are opened.

BILL: This is fantastic.

DALE: I like it!

BOOMHAUER: How come you didn't get the Deluxe, Hank?

Hank puts a hand over his face.

HANK: I can't win. When is this day going to end, Lord?

PEGGY: Well, at least this time you got the title right.

HANK: Shut up, Peggy.

PEGGY (disgusted): Well!

EXT. HILL HOUSE - DAY

There are cars parked all over the driveway and outside on the street. Kids are playing outside. We can see Bobby playing with a few kids.

INT. HILL HOUSE – DAY (CONTINUOUS)

We can see people gathered inside of the house, including Bill, Dale, Boomhauer, and Chip. They are gathered in the living room talking with other people. Hank and Peggy are in the kitchen.

PEGGY: Well, I think the funeral went pretty well, even if you were being a jerk, yourself.

HANK: I was not being a jerk.

PEGGY: Oh, really! Then who was the one attacking the minister just because he referred to you as a relative of Patrick?

HANK: There is no proof that I am related to the dead guy.

PEGGY: Why? Do you want a blood transfusion?

Hank ponders the question.

HANK: Now, there's an idea.

PEGGY: Oh Hank, quit it! (MORE)

Hank sits down.

PEGGY (CONT'D): If I were you, I'd be careful of what I say next time.

HANK: I was just defending my honor.

PEGGY: Oh, don't give me that.

HANK: Besides, I don't see what you're defending those guys for. I wasn't one of the four crazy people attacking another funeral next door.

PEGGY: Well, maybe they wouldn't have done it if you forked over the extra hundred dollars?

HANK: Back at the funeral parlor you were supporting me not paying the money. What made you change your mind?

PEGGY: I don't know. Maybe it's the stress of all this. (MORE)

She looks toward the living room and sees everyone talking. Then she notices Chip talking to Bill.

PEGGY (CONT'D): On the other hand, I must be crazy too. I mean, look at me -- I'm having a wake in my house for someone I never met.

Hank walks over to Peggy and puts his arm around her shoulder.

HANK: Don't worry, Peggy. It could be worse.

PEGGY: Like how?

HANK: That minister coming over to my house to tell me he is going to sue me.

PEGGY: Yep. I definitely would call that bad… (MORE)

Hank and Peggy see the minister approaching them.

PEGGY (CONT'D): …luck. Especially involving a minister, of all people.

HANK: Thank you, Peggy. My self-esteem was bad enough already. But you managed to bring it down further

PEGGY: Glad to help.

The minister enters the kitchen.

HANK: Come on in, Reverend.

The minister walks over to Hank.

PEGGY: Would you like a drink?

MINISTER: No, thank you. I think you and your guests have had enough already.

The minister turns to the living room. Then Peggy and Hank look toward the living room. Hank has a surprised look on his face.

PEGGY: Oh my gosh!

Dale is trying to hold his face in the punch bowl. Bill is counting how long he is keeping it under.

BILL: Twenty-five, twenty-six, twenty-seven….

Peggy yells as she runs into the living room.

PEGGY: Dale! Stop that!

HANK: I want to apologize, Reverend. I don't know what made them do that.

MINISTER: Probably the Alamo beer.

Hank has surprised look on his face.

HANK: You drink Alamo too?

MINISTER: I didn't say I drink alcohol. I just mentioned I am familiar with the brand. (MORE)

He looks toward the living room.

MINISTER (CONT'D): And what it does to people.

Then he turns back to Hank.

HANK: I guess in your profession (chuckles) you see this type of stuff all the time.

The minister looks toward the living room again. Bill is still counting. Peggy has grabbed hold of Dale.

BILL: That makes forty seconds!

DALE: A new record!

PEGGY: I want you two to stop this!

MINISTER: Nope. I can't say that I have.

Hank rubs his neck.

HANK: Oh. (MORE)

Hank tries to think of a plan.

HANK (CONT'D): I' better go help Peg. (beat) Yeah. That's it. Go help Peggy.

Then he enters the living room. The minister has a concerned look on his face.

MINISTER: This has to be one of the weirdest families in my congregation. (MORE)

Then he sees Hank choking Dale.

MINISTER (CONT'D): Nope. This is definitely the weirdest.

PEGGY: Quit it, Hank!

Hank removes his hands from Dale's neck. Chip runs up to Hank.

CHIP: How could you do that to your friend?

HANK: I wouldn't talk if I were you. This is all your fault!

CHIP: What are you talking about?

HANK: None of this would have happened if you and your so-called cousin came into my house in the first place!

CHIP: What do you mean? He was my brother. (MORE)

He points to Hank.

CHIP (CONT'D): He's your cousin.

HANK: Brrr! Don't even say that word to me.

BILL: Now, don't get angry with him, Hank. Remember, blood is thicker than water.

CHIP: That's right.

BOBBY: Of course, you could get a transfusion.

BILL: I didn't think of that. That might work.

DALE: You wouldn't want to do that, Hank. Right?

PEGGY: Now, try to calm down, Hank. You look like your blood pressure is shooting up there.

Hank's face is getting red.

HANK: The more I hear that crazy idea, the more I like it.

PEGGY: I hope you are referring to calming down.

HANK: Nope.

BILL: I think he means the blood transfusion.

DALE: I think you're right.

BOOMHAUER: Man, you need to find our who your real relatives are.

HANK: That's right!

PEGGY: Huh. I sure hope you know what you're talking about.

HANK: Chip. Remind me just how close are we in blood relations.

Chip has to think about it for a minute.

CHIP: Let's see now. Pat usually is the one that kept track of all of this stuff. (MORE)

Everyone keeps looking at Chip as he thinks about it.

CHIP (CONT'D): Oh yeah! You're my fifteenth cousin, ten times removed.

HANK: You call that related?

CHIP: Hey! You don't know how long it takes to do this genealogy stuff. It's hard work.

HANK: Yeah. Right.

Peggy has a worried look on her face.

PEGGY: Hank. I don't like that look you have on your face.

HANK: Don't worry, Peggy. I'm just going to do something I should have done earlier.

BILL: Now you've got me worried.

CHIP: What is everyone talking about?

Dale puts his arm around Chip.

DALE: It's been nice meeting you.

BILL: Yeah. Come back and see us sometime. I mean, if you are allowed to.

CHIP: What?

DALE: It's better that you don't know what he is planning.

CHIP: Who? Hank?

Chip turns to Hank and sees Hank walking over to the door. Hank opens up the door all the way. Dale removes his hat and places it on his chest.

BOOMHAUER: I won't forget you.

Chip laughs nervously.

CHIP: You make it sound like his is going to kill me. He's not going to kill me, right?

Nobody answers.

HANK: Right.

CHIP: Oh, thank God you answered. (MORE)

Hank grabs Chip and begins dragging him toward the door.

CHIP (CONT'D): If you're not going to kill me, then what are you doing to me?

HANK: I'm kicking your ass out of my house. (MORE)

EXT. HILL HOUSE - DAY (CONTINUOUS)

We can see Chip, airborne, flying out of the house. He is screaming as he flies.

HANK (O.S.) (CONT'D): Good riddance. Remind me not to let relatives in this house again.

PEGGY (O.S): Your father is coming over tomorrow.

HANK (O.S.): Yeah, but he's from Texas. Yep. Nowhere but Texas.

FADE OUT.

THE END

Next week, we continue in the same, uh, vein, and visit "The Simpsons" with Chuckles' "Is There a Doctor in the House?" Warm up your D'oh!, Woo-hoo!, and Ha-ha!, and we'll see you then… okely dokely!