Writers' Wednesday: "Leap of Faith" — Act Three

We conclude this episode of "The Simpsons" with a guest-photo of Mr. Smugface himself, recent owner (not property) of Chuckles herself, who sent me the photo just today. Yes, Smugface was her cat (now wandering the wilds of the Southeast US: be on the lookout!). For some unfathomable reason, she named him Ivan (and because he was quite thin, I always called him "Ivan the Terribly Skinny", which didn't bother him), and he really does have a very smug look to him:

(And Chuckles insists he really would wake her up in the morning by smacking her in the face.) I hope Matt Groening's crew of Korean animators get that look right.

The previous parts of this script can be found here:

Act One

Act Two

Next week… you, know, I still haven't decided what's next on Writers' Wednesday. I'll talk it over with Chuckles, and see what she'd like me to put up here out of her tall, swaying pile of TV and movie scripts; stay tuned…

This script is Copyright © 2005 by Christine Roberts, and is registered with the Writers' Guild of America (WGA).

THE SIMPSONS

"LEAP OF FAITH"

Written by Christine Roberts

Created by Matt Groening

Developed by James L. Brooks, Matt Groening, and Sam Simon

Cast (in order of appearance)

HOMER SIMPSON                                      Dan Castellanata

MARGE SIMPSON                                       Julie Kavner

BART SIMPSON                                           Nancy Cartwright

LISA SIMPSON                                             Yeardley Smith

REVEREND TIMOTHY LOVEJOY       Harry Shearer

NELSON MUNTZ                                         Nancy Cartwright

NED FLANDERS                                          Harry Shearer

MR. SMUGFACE

SNOWBALL II

SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER

PASTOR INSAINE                                       Colin Baker

AL CALAVICCI                                              Dean Stockwell

SAM BECKETT                                             Scott Bakula

MOE SZYSLAK                                             Hank Azaria

CARL CARLSON                                          Hank Azaria

LENNY LEONARD                                      Harry Shearer

COMIC BOOK GUY                                     Hank Azaria

REVEREND LOVEJOY'S BRAIN          Harry Shearer

CROWD IN AUDITORIUM

ACT THREE

FADE IN:

EXTERIOR SIMPSONS' HOUSE — NIGHT

The LIGHTS are ON at the house. There is a lot of SHOUTING going on inside the house. Nelson Muntz is walking up the sidewalk.

PASTOR INSAINE (O.S.): …he will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire!

NELSON: Hmm… Baptize with fire? That gives me an idea…

Then Nelson leaves.

REV. LOVEJOY (O.S.): Oh yeah? Try this on for size.

Just then Flanders is walking up the street. He only hears part of it.

REV. LOVEJOY (O.S.): …Satan will be released…

FLANDERS: Oh no… it's happening.

REV. LOVEJOY (O.S.): …and will come out to deceive the nations…

FLANDERS (GASPS): Oh… no. Armageddon!

He quickly runs into his house.

FLANDERS (CONT'D) (WHILE RUNNING): The end is here!

INTERIOR SIMPSONS' HOUSE — CONTINUOUS

MARGE: This is ridiculous!

REV. LOVEJOY: What is?

MARGE: The way you two are going at it.

Then Mr. Smugface walks over to SNOWBALL II and SMACKS him in the face.

BART: Cooool!

HOMER: I've got dibs on Mister Smugface.

LISA: Dad. You're betting against our cat!

HOMER: So?

MARGE: See what I'm talking about?

HOMER:  /  BART:

No…          /   No…

Pastor Insaine's cell phone RINGS. The ringtone is the DR. WHO THEME.

PASTOR INSAINE: Hello? (BEAT): Oh my gosh!

REV. LOVEJOY (SARCASTIC): What's the matter? Your check bounced?

MARGE: Reverend!

Reverend Lovejoy has a disgusted look on his face. He folds his arms.

REV. LOVEJOY (SARCASTIC): Fine.

Snowball II runs across the room, followed by SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER, both chased by Mr. Smugface.

HOMER: Woo-hoo! I'm doubling my bet.

MARGE: What's the matter, Pastor?

REV. LOVEJOY (SARCASTIC): Yes. Do tell.

PASTOR INSAINE: I've got to go. My church is on fire!

REV. LOVEJOY: Your what is where?

Pastor Insaine runs to the door.

PASTOR INSAINE (TO REV. LOVEJOY): This is all your fault!

Then he runs out of the door, stops and turns to the house.

PASTOR INSAINE (CONT'D): Come on, Mister Smugface!

Mr. Smugface stops chasing the Simpsons' pets and runs to the door. Once he is outside, Mr. Smugface STICKS OUT his TONGUE at Snowball II and Santa's Little Helper. Pastor Insaine slams the door. Santa's Little Helper and Snowball II give a SIGH of relief.

HOMER: I don't believe it.

MARGE: I'm glad you feel the same way I do about all of this, Homie.

HOMER: Nah. I was talking about the cat. How did he train him to do that?

EXTERIOR SECOND CHURCH OF SPRINGFIELD — NIGHT

The sign now reads: "NOW YOU DID IT!" The CHURCH is engulfed in FLAMES. Everyone is outside watching the church burn down. Nelson walks by and points to the church.

NELSON: Hah-hah!

PASTOR INSAINE: What?

NELSON: Smell ya later.

Then Nelson leaves.

PASTOR INSAINE: That kid is crazy.

REV. LOVEJOY: And this is from a man whose name is Insaine?

PASTOR INSAINE: You did it!

REV. LOVEJOY: Did what?

PASTOR INSAINE: You put a curse on me with that Bible verse.

REV. LOVEJOY: That's insane, Insaine! I did not! (BEGINS PRAYING): Lord, show this fruitcake that I'm telling the truth. Give me a sign!

Just then the Second Church of Springfield's SIGN is struck by LIGHTNING, and the SIGN FALLS DOWN to the ground. Pastor Insaine gives Reverend Lovejoy a sarcastic look. Then we see Sam and Al behind the crowd watching everything.

AL: Now do you believe me?

SAM: What am I going to do?

AL: Ziggy says you need to have a talk with them.

Sam walks down to the front of the crowd.

SAM: People. Let us be rational about this.

REV. LOVEJOY: And this is from a man who talks to himself?

SAM: Why don't we meet somewhere public and talk about this like mature adults?

EXTERIOR CIVIC AUDITORIUM — ESTABLISHING

The sign reads: "TODAY'S GATHERING FOR LOONIES. COMING SOON: LESS SIGNS TO READ"

INTERIOR CIVIC AUDITORIUM — CONTINUOUS

Everyone is gathered in the place. Sam is on the stage, standing behind a podium, trying to be a moderator. Reverend Lovejoy and Pastor Insaine are sitting in chairs across from each other behind the podium. Pastor Insaine is holding Mr. Smugface.

SAM: Okay, everyone. We are here to settle a dispute between these two ministers.

REV. LOVEJOY: Why do I feel like I'm being auctioned?

CARL: What I want to know, is when do we get refreshments?

LENNY: Yeah. I came over here thinking there's food.

SAM: You'll get some later.

CARL: When?

PASTOR INSAINE: Oh, quit your whining!

Mr. Smugface MEOWS.

PASTOR INSAINE (CONT'D): See. Even Mister Smugface agrees with me.

REV. LOVEJOY: And that's another thing — who's crazy enough to bring their cat with them wherever they go?

SAM: Well, I suppose…?

Homer stands up, raises his hand and interrupts Sam.

HOMER: Oh! Oh! I know! Pick me!

REV. LOVEJOY:   /   PASTOR INSAINE:

Shut up, Homer!   /   Shut up, Homer!

REV. LOVEJOY (CONT'D): I don't believe it. Our first agreement.

PASTOR INSAINE: Yes it is.

HOMER: Huh? But I liked the fighting.

MOE: Yeah. I know what you mean. It was great for my business.

BART: This is ridiculous. I want some action.

LISA: Don't do anything stupid.

BART: Even his sermons were more entertaining.

MARGE: Are you feeling all right?

BART: I've got to get out of here.

Bart leaves the row. Al is standing next to Sam and is smoking a cigar.

SAM (TO AL): See, Al. I did it. I got them together.

AL: I don't know if you're aware of this, but you're not leaping.

Comic Book Guy arrives running on stage and is out of breath.

COMIC BOOK GUY: I'm coming, Al!

AL: Oh, no. Not him again.

SAM: Remember, he asked for you.

AL: Yeah… right.

COMIC BOOK GUY (TO SAM): Where's Al?

Al is standing next to Comic Book Guy and blowing smoke into his face. Sam begins laughing and then tries to stop.

SAM: Um… I'm not sure. Tell me who you are and I'll give him a message.

AL: Oh, good, Sam. Then Ziggy can tell me something about this guy.

PASTOR INSAINE (TO REV. LOVEJOY): You're right. I don't belong here. Your city has too many bizarre things going on here. I need to find a place that fits me perfectly.

REV. LOVEJOY: Let me see. (BEAT): I've got it — Washington D.C.!

PASTOR INSAINE: Hmm… How come I didn't think of it?

REV. LOVEJOY: Maybe you're too close to the subject.

PASTOR INSAINE: What do you think, Mister Smugface?

REV. LOVEJOY'S BRAIN: Now he is concurring with the cat.

Mister Smugface MEOWS.

PASTOR INSAINE (TO MR. SMUGFACE): Are you sure?

Mister Smugface MEOWS again.

PASTOR INSAINE (CONT'D): You're right. We'll do it.

Reverend Lovejoy gives a SIGH of relief.

AL (TO COMIC BOOK GUY) (SARCASTIC): What kind of a name is that?

SAM: I wouldn't even call that a name. Are you sure you're not making that up?

COMIC BOOK GUY: I never make up such things. Especially when it involves someone in authority like Ziggy.

AL (YELLING): How the hell does he know that?

SAM (TO AL): That's what I was thinking. (TO COMIC BOOK GUY): How do you know Ziggy?

AL: This is too weird. I'm getting out of here.

SAM: Al! Don't leave me like this. I haven't leaped yet.

AL: This is getting scary even by my standards!

COMIC BOOK GUY: I was right!

AL: Don't worry, Sam, you won't be here much longer.

Al presses some buttons on the hand link, a door opens, and Al leaves.

SAM: Whew! That makes me feel better.

COMIC BOOK GUY: You're leaving?

SAM: Yeah! (BEAT): Wait a minute. I didn't mean that. Oops. I meant...

COMIC BOOK GUY: Aha! I was right again. (WAVES TO SAM): See you on the Enterprise.

SAM (AS HE PUTS HIS HAND OVER HIS FACE): D'oh!

Sam then DEMATERIALIZES from the stage.

COMIC BOOK GUY: Ah… this has to be the worse episode ever.

He gives a SIGH and then eats a candy bar.

COMIC BOOK GUY (CONT'D): I need something to calm my nerves.

Then he walks past Reverend Lovejoy and Pastor Insaine. Bart arrives on the stage.

BART: So, what did you guys decide?

PASTOR INSAINE: Mister Smugface and I are going to move to Washington D.C. and shake up the country.

REV. LOVEJOY (AS HE SHRUGS HIS SHOULDERS): Ugh… the thought of it. More loony people in our nation's capital.

PASTOR INSAINE: Huh?

REV. LOVEJOY (PUTS HIS HAND OUT): I mean… good luck!

They shake hands.

PASTOR INSAINE: Thanks.

Bart then shrugs his shoulders.

BART (TO PASTOR INSAINE): Maybe you should be in another profession?

REV. LOVEJOY: Yes. Like what?

BART: I don't know. Like maybe a doctor?

PASTOR INSAINE: Doctor? Who?

REV. LOVEJOY: Ah… never mind the boy. (COVERS BART'S MOUTH): He doesn't know what he's talking about.

PASTOR INSAINE: I agree. (TO BART): You need to have a leap of faith.

REV. LOVEJOY: That's right.

Bart is still trying to get away from Reverend Lovejoy.

REV. LOVEJOY (CONT'D): How are you going to get the money for your trip?

PASTOR INSAINE: Oh, didn't I tell you?

REV. LOVEJOY: No.

PASTOR INSAINE: I got over a hundred thousand dollars from the fire.

REV. LOVEJOY: Dear Lord!

He lets go of Bart.

PASTOR INSAINE: That's right. See you in D.C.!

Pastor Insaine LAUGHS as he leaves. Reverend Lovejoy has a worried look on his face.

REV. LOVEJOY (V.O.) (WHILE THE TITLES ARE ROLLING): The following people will be donating large sums of money to the First Church of Springfield: Dan Castellanata. Julie Kavner. Nancy Cartwright. Yeardley Smith… (ETC.)

FADE OUT.

THE END