The Mouse, the Crow, and the Cockroach

Lest anyone think I've mercilessly leapt up and down on poor conservative friend Anon E. Mouse in hobnailed boots, ruining a bee-youtiful friendship… I opened up a lighthearted exchange with her just to ensure I hadn't, plus I figured her conservative friends might get a kick out of circulating among themselves a story of flaky liberal ideas… 

-----Original Message-----
Sent: Wednesday, April 25, 2007 2:03 PM
Subject: Wiping Out Global Warming

Thought you might get a chuckle out of this approach/idea: http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20070423/od_afp/entertainmentus_070423163424 

Be great to have the worry behind us, huh? 

AgingChild 

Here's the article, in case the link gives out at some point: 

Give Global Warming the Bum's Rush: Sheryl Crow

Mon Apr 23, 1:23 PM ET

Sheryl Crow is suggesting a bottom-up solution to wipe away global warming: limit each trip to the bathroom to one piece of toilet paper, according to a statement on the US rocker's website.

Crow said she had spent most of an environmental tour of US college campuses thinking of easy ways for people to battle climate change.

"Although my ideas are in the earliest stages of development, they are, in my mind, worth investigating. One of my favorites is in the area of conserving trees, which we heavily rely on for oxygen," the signed statement said.

"I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting," she explained.

"I think we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where two to three could be required."

Other plans she has included not using paper napkins.

"I have designed a clothing line that has what's called a 'dining sleeve.' The sleeve is detachable and can be replaced with another 'dining sleeve,' after usage," she explained in the increasingly bizarre posting.

"The design will offer the 'diner' the convenience of wiping his mouth on his sleeve rather than throwing out yet another barely used paper product... this idea could also translate quite well to those suffering with an annoying head cold."

Her third idea was for a television reality show in which the winner would be the contestant who lives the most environmentally-friendly life. The prize would be a recording contract.

Crow's spokesman was not immediately available to elaborate on the singer's proposals.

Copyright © 2007 Agence France Presse. All rights reserved. The information contained in the AFP News report may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed without the prior written authority of Agence France Presse.  

So Anon wrote back: 

-----Original Message-----
Sent: Wednesday, April 25, 2007 2:09 PM
Subject: RE: Wiping Out Global Warming 

Wonder what size the square would be.  Better yet we could all use, can’t think of the word, that the French had in most bathrooms, that washes you.  No paper. 

Regards,
Anon E. Mouse

"that [thing] the French had in most bathrooms"? She doesn't know what a – ? 

-----Original Message-----
Sent: Wednesday, April 25, 2007 2:20 PM
Subject: RE: Let Us Spray 

Ah! You're thinking of a bidet (And warm water, no less!): http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bidet 

Of course, then the contention will be that we're using too much water… 

PS: There was one in "Crocodile Dundee"; the Aussie bloke discovered he had one in his NYC hotel room, and concluded it was a water fountain! 

AgingChild 

Heh-heh… 

-----Original Message-----
Sent: Wednesday, April 25, 2007 2:24 PM

You got it.  Yea, knew it would then turn into a water issue, but at least the trees would be saved. 

Regards,
Anon  

I managed to get serious a moment (and hint at an area of recent contention between us); no response as of close of business today: 

-----Original Message-----
Sent: Wednesday, April 25, 2007 2:45 PM
Subject: RE: Let Us Be Cool

Ah… but will they make it through the ensuing drought? 

Grand-scale issues can't be resolved by a simple, single approach: global warming, racism, economy, culture-clash, pollution. Speaking of Australia, the Aussies discovered this when they imported rabbits in the 1800s (IIRC) to deal with weeds. Trouble is, rabbits will be rabbits; thus… population explosion of rabbits in the Outback: no natural predators, either! 

Another solution would be to suggest we revert to our grandparents' method of using pages from the Sears Catalog. Whoops; they merged with KMart. Or is that Wal-Mart? 

Actually, one tongue-in-cheek – but really intriguing – suggestion I've heard to conquer global warming is to set off a bunch of nukes, and bring on a nuclear winter. Further suggestion is to test the idea in downtown Teheran… 

Look who's downwind of Iran, by the way, where the radioactives would fall: Afghanistan, China… 

AgingChild 

I suggested Teheran only as a polite concession to her conservative stance on world (and domestic) issues; I do not advocate flattening, or irradiating, that city… nor indeed using a nuclear option to address climatology. This is much like the classic (but true!) urban legend of a man getting rid of his cockroaches by setting off a bunch of bug-bombs in his house… only to have his gas-stove's pilot light ignite the fumes, and level the house. The cockroaches are said to have survived.