Open Heart, Open Mind: Closed Door

I mentioned last week how some email correspondence has had me contemplating (and pontificating on) the nature of relationships, particularly one-on-one, marital (or marriage-bound) relationships. I did want this once, very badly – as I think Erich Segal once said, while too many married men wish they were single again, I as a single man long wished to be married again.

Almost twenty years ago, and for a handful of too-brief years afterward, I had the opportunity – and encouragement from her – to do so, and should have, should have, should have. But I was utterly stupid, stubborn, and selfish. And that door closed for me for good almost fifteen years ago, with me weeping on my daughter's shoulder in an airport, an intercontinental jet having just disappeared from view, taking my heart with it.

But never mind the melancholia; I carry that regret to the grave, its impact has shaped the course of my life from that day (before, actually), and its effect has left my heart unable to reciprocate fairly, considerately, and openly with a loving woman (and – at least for me – men are out of the question).

So in my own personal terms, as I've mentioned before, my mind and heart and soul are set on the priesthood, or avowed religious (i.e., monk/brother), and I've simply no intention of another such relationship. I can't absolutely assure the universe that a bolt out of the blue won't strike me, and have me taking vows of a very different sort. And women are still beautiful.

But… I want to give more, and to many more, than I could through marrying… and the shambles I was quickly left with, those two times I gave dating a try again since that airport afternoon, have shown me that I can't and shouldn't so give myself away. So I closed the door some years ago.

This I find a relief… and all of womanhood agrees.

About a week and a half ago, Sharon – a Jewish friend of some years – sent me the following email:

Sent: Thursday, April 26, 2007 2:45 PM
Subject: Question

Hi AC, I've a question for you. If you were looking to date again, are there certain requirements you would want; i.e., skinny, Catholic? Reason I'm asking is I work with a woman who is Catholic and she's looking to meet someone. Like me she works for [a contractor] but at [our company's] office in [a nearby town]. Anyway, she's not skinny, which is why I'm asking. Anyway, just thought I'd ask.
Sharon

Bless her furry heart! I answered, most gently (knowing I'd mentioned a desire to take religious vows):

Subject: RE: Possible/Partial Answer

Hi, Sharon!

Out of curiosity more than interest, I've sometimes surfed the Craig's List personals (most of which are spam). Most of the "W4M" ads seem very superficial, or too vague. Yet on the other hand, I suspect most men are very unrealistic in their expectations.

If I were to date again (and I do consider it, but never for long anymore), I know I would be most keen that my victim / brave soul / girlfriend be Catholic (for commonality of faith tradition), or possibly Jewish (for tradition, heritage, and because Judaism has always interested me), since I'd be dating with the objective of finding a life-partner, a la Lennon's "Grow old along with me". But this is behind me; I have to focus on my soul now, not my heart.

If a man in his 30s or 40s, or older, took the time to really think about it realistically, he'd pretty quickly toss the dream of a Pamela Anderson type. We can't live off fantasy any more than we can live healthfully off a diet of steak and ice cream. So both man and woman would have to be cautious (both likely to have been burnt in their own pasts), yet also willing to go out on a limb with honesty: "take me as I am", yet even more so "I want to be better, inside and out… and want someone to grow with".

She should look for a man who is okay with admitting he has flaws in figure, marriage, employment, and so on. Not a real loser, of course, but someone who accepts he is less than perfect, though unwilling to accept that learning and improving are all behind him.

Thus by the same token she should be up front that she's not Twiggy (if anyone remembers her anymore), or Calista Flockhart… yet is also far more than any outward appearance, and does not kowtow to any man's (or woman's) superficial standards. It's healthy, and future-forward focused, to want to better oneself in more than just income… and I find this attractive, and suspect a sensible man would as well. If she sees her flaws, then she's less likely to expect her man to live on his own pedestal.

She might get even more mileage if while being honest about her build/figure, she not focus too greatly on it… and also show a sense of humor (we men desperately need this in our women!) about it. In that vein, I think I'd advertise myself as a "Tigger spirit in a Winnie-the-Pooh body"… except I do usually wear pants out in public. So perhaps she could say she'd "totally failed the Rosie O'Donnell test for reasons of my sweet nature, not figure". (A mere "BBW" says too little.)

Other ideas: "Roseanne Barr without the mouth"; "handyman special"; "a real loving armful"; "just you try wrapping your arms around me!"; and so on – the idea being, of course, to be upbeat, versus beat up.

I hope some of this helps!

AgingChild

And she answered:

Sent: Thursday, April 26, 2007 4:06 PM
Subject: RE: Possible/Partial Answer

Hi Acey, Thanks for the information. I think she will find it very informative. I told her a bit about you and thought I'd try, though I also did mention that you are considering the monastery at some point.

How are things going otherwise with you?

Thank you,
Sharon

Yielding this last from me…

Sent: Thursday, April 26, 2007 4:48 PM
Subject: RE: Possible/Partial Answer

Quite fine; thanks! I really appreciate the "plug" (not to make light at all of your intentions!!). Sometimes I almost wish I could be "available", but I really want to be part of something bigger and greater than any one other person. It sounds like a cheesy cliché to say this, but I want to give what I am and what I know and what I feel… to a whole billion people, and more.

And I continued with a brief summary of my 5K-trudge in Pennsylvania, before signing off:

Anyway, take care… me, I'm still catching my breath!

AgingChild

It still feels dismissive, you know. I do appreciate that a matchmaker considered me… and a little bit of me inside actually hurts, having turned the unknown woman away by gently pointing out that closed door – when for so much of the last thirty years I longed to be half of a whole, and had left the same door wide open, waiting.

Now so open a door would be too distracting: the noise of traffic and feet passing by outside, wind blowing dried leaves (and spring tree-blossom-petals!) and litter and rain and snow and startled birds in.

Still, the curtains are pulled back, and I keep a light on. But it's so I can better see what I'm doing. And whenever I wish, I still can look out the window.

Lovely out there. Now, back to work.