Hypocrisy

In his letter, St. James writes that "faith without works is dead". This seems to fly in the face of some Protestant (and even the occasional Catholic) insistences of "once saved, always saved" – i.e., "I've been forgiven by Jesus, and so am guaranteed a berth in Heaven". This even contradicts the more common, but no more humble, thought that most Christians carry, that as long as they believe in Jesus and His teachings and do what their church says, their blissful afterlife is assured.

Well, the Catholic Church does not profess to know for certain that any given person will be, or is, in Heaven – beyond the Saints, whose lives (and often deaths) of holy example serve as genuine indicators of their eternal destinies.

All Christians should, though – I sincerely feel – satisfy themselves that they are living as Jesus told us to: "Go, and sin no more"; "Feed the starving, clothe the poor, shelter the homeless, visit the ill and imprisoned"; "Love God with all your heart, mind, and strength"; "Love your neighbor as yourself" (with the Good Samaritan as a great example).

It took his sudden, wrenching death, and my honest examination of his life, for me to realize that the core of many of the problems my late father dealt with arose from his having little or no self-doubt. This is not to say that he was egotistical – I don't think he was, but I know also that he rarely every questioned his actions and motivations… not that I ever noticed, at least.

I didn't inherit that from him, God rest him. I did get his love of languages and history and world cultures, but all my life I've questioned whether I was doing the right thing (sorry; my cliché is showing), or doing the right thing well enough. How could I tell?

The first yardstick is, of course, the immediate results. As a child, jumping on a couch resulted in my feet shattering a large picture-window (and earning me a warmed backside). But this works only in the most basic of circumstances, and avails us little in the grown-up world, especially where gross results/yields are not seen for a long time, if ever – even while the action has to at least be sensible (e.g., eating healthfully), where not a moral issue (e.g., cheating on one's spouse, or boss, or taxes).

How do we measure the validity of morals? Where is the foundation?

Brother, that is far too big – yet basic – a question to address definitively in one (hopefully) thoughtful posting here. Let's ratchet it back from the moral macrocosm, and look at the individual… in this case, uh, me. And no, that's not my ego we're tripping over.

The last four years, I spent working for a major, international East-Coast (US) -area firm (no, I still won't specify) that had substantial committed work in line with current Administration policies that I find inexcusable to reprehensible. Yes; this does make me – during that span – a hypocrite of sorts, at the least. I did find kindred spirits (in terms of personal politics) among my job-based friends, but I do not speak in any kind of judgment of them. I can't; it's not fair, I'm not qualified, and it's only myself I've placed under the microscope's lens here today.

This was not an overt, deliberate, conscious hypocrisy on my part – such as by, say, firing off a gun at someone while yelling sincerely, "Thou shalt not kill!" Even I can't do that… and I've done enough stupid and hypocritical things over the years. For me, at the office there, my focus was getting there (intact!!), supporting well the folks who needed my assistance – both in the office, and around the country and overseas; and afterward, of course, getting back home (also relatively undented), resting up, and charging back out the next workday. I have always been committed to doing my work well, enjoyably (both to myself and to the person(s) dependent on the quality of my work), and professionally.

That particular job was nicely remunerative (no, I won't specify how nicely, either); but even early on, the other end of the long work-process chain troubled me. This is no criticism of that corporation – and they are engaged in a good many other endeavors of great, positive value and in many commendable fields.

But one particular corporate focus (I can't be more detailed; sorry) is in direct opposition to some of my personal values. Indirectly, it could be argued that I profited to some degree from that focus – even though my own duties and responsibilities had no direct connection with it.

I wish I could say that that is the reason I finally gave that firm my two-week notice, and departed. It's not – although it does sit in the balance-pan with some heavier weights. As I've stated elsewhere, Factor One was the commute's compounded wear and tear on this poor aging child, and the amount of otherwise-usable time this commute swallowed up.

I'm not writing here to apologize, either. Sometimes I wish my moral standards were so rigid that I would only put my hand and mind and heart to those things that will move all of humankind – individually and collectively – many quanta beyond where it now stands; so rigid, that I would twong profoundly in any steady gust of wind, or surge of hot air.

This leaves no room for realism. Realism largely acquits me (I hope); realism points out that a certain level of income was needed to sustain me and my mother and daughters in home, health, heart, and (heh-heh) Honda… if I may alliterate a moment. No position open at the time closer to home offered anything near that wage (including benefits, of course) – not factoring in reasonable issues such as, oh, time to get there, say, and level of energy/stamina available afterward to meet the bosses' needs.

I interviewed today with the head of a non-profit company (specifics, as always, withheld… bear with me on that, folks). Much of their focus is on acute social issues, especially housing. This isn't something that (so I suspect) occurs to the average American – because that same average American is housed, employed, healthy, and not in a seriously abusive relationship.

Like any sensible résumé-waving grownup, I did take the time to study the company's mission statement, its focus and objectives, achievements, and awards and commendations. A cursory (but attentive) first-pass look when I submitted that résumé last week showed me a great commitment to a particular – and essential/critical – subset of social needs in this region of this great country.

Further reading in advance of today's interview had my mindset phasing out of "Will they like me?" into a more humbled "Am I even good enough for something like this?" I found myself growing excited, enthusiastic, about this company/agency and its works: through conscious, deliberate deed, they are following the command of all faith traditions to tend to the need of one's less-fortunate brothers and sisters.

This is quite a diametric opposite (from my viewpoint only) to the two different large firms I've worked for, these last ~10 years. Let me stress again, though: I am not finding a fault in those previous employers of mine. Rather, their objectives and mine, on balance, could not stand fully together. Thus, as I've outlined, an easy case might be made for my being (at some level) a hypocrite. I accept that, and admit that to the world here. The flaw is in me, and not with any firm or corporation that has employed me.

A greater hypocrisy of my own, which I'd meant to bring in here at the start, is how clearly I've done so little to help the needier around me. Yes, I've pitched in at the local soup kitchen; yes, I give generously to the church, to the United Way, to select social-focused faith-based charities; yes, Goodwill gets my clothing and computers and books and furniture; yes, I've given a warm sandwich, a handful of change and bills, a welcome ear, to a begging wo/man; yes, I directly helped a loved one through the final stages of her inoperable leptomeningeal cancer; yes, I've been a shoulder to the grieving; yes, I took in a homeless friend recently (family-friend Chuckles; more on her sometime soon).

But there's so much out there I haven't put my being into. And the personal hypocrisy, I feel, lies in my seeing these needs, yet working so little thus far to address them. Meanwhile, that nonprofit agency puts their money where their mouth is, and mine is, and many other people's are. Shoot; if I don't make the cut (and I have no sense that I'm a shoo-in), I still plan to write them a check, and see how I can serve their cause as a volunteer… God knows (quite literally) it's needed. Am I even good enough for something like this?

So… we'll see over the next several days how that interview went. I'm squirmingly, uncomfortably aware that I may have spoken a bit much to this agency's head. Likely (apart from my sociability-streak) this arose from my heart's honest acceptance of the stark contrast between the two firms, of my own weakling-hypocrisy thus far, and a sincere desire to sell the patient (and hard-working) gentleman on the fact that I'm more than the sum of my flaws.

We all are, of course. Some of us would rather wear blinders to them (I know you can hear me now, Dad), while others can face those same flaws, and seek to counterbalance, and ultimately to shrink, them. I know I'm not strong enough to eliminate them readily once I've identified them. But I am fully able to keep my eyes open to them, and be fed up enough about them to take steps toward remediating them.

Who else is for helping out? See you there! And bring a friend.